Like some junkie cosmonaut

I am angry, and I think I'm gonna get just ripped.

I shouldn't have decided to drink a few days ago. It's been on my mind persistently since then. Usually, or rather, recently, that hasn't really been a problem - on the typically rare occasion I do drink, I don't really feel a requirement to repeat soon afterwards.

But for the last few days, it's all I can think about.

I don't really want to be angry, but I don't have anything else to replace it with. I don't really want to be trapped in the tedium that permeates this place either, but hey, same deal. So I'm thinking drunk it is.

"But why are you angry?" you say.

Because I don't really know what else to do.

I finally heard from my lady love tonight, after messaging her again. I said I was worried about her, which is mostly true - obviously, despite my detachment, I'm a little concerned with her just dropping off the map. I'm not sure that it's really because I care what she's doing - I lean more towards it just seeming like things are a waste of my time.

Which seems counter-intuitive. What else would I be doing with my time?

So time is maybe the wrong word here. It seems more like all the time (yes, sure), effort, and money I've put into this is pretty much for nothing.

And it's seemed that way a lot. Someone asked if her disappearing was a normal thing - it really is, even when we lived together. She'd just vanish for a few days, and present a bunch of half-true excuses for it that never really added up when she came back. I'm not sure how I expected things to play out any differently now.

Anyway, she messaged back almost instantly, and was upset that I was worried about her. Don't get me wrong, I think it was a pretty non-aggressive "I'm worried about you" message I sent her - nothing veiled or angry about it, just a "hey, are you dead" kind of thing.

"I thought we agreed not to get upset or worried if one of us disappeared for a while." was the summation of her issue.

Massively frustrating, because no, we kind of agreed we'd try to talk at least once a day so that we didn't just drift apart, as is apt to happen with these kinds of things. That we even had to agree to do so is sort of a bad sign - there's people out there that neither of us have an interest (or at least an admitted interest, depending on how you want to look at it, I guess) in that we both enjoy talking to daily. I'd like to think if everything is as it should be, your significant other is going to be someone you want to talk to all the time.

Instead, it feels like it's just been a stupid, mountainous battle to keep in touch.

Anyway, I finally get this reply, and then she goes to have a smoke for 45 minutes, and I say "well, I think I'm off to bed, hope you have a good night, maybe talk to you soon" because I don't really know what else to say. She responded a minute ago, and I'm 100% it's going to be something about how I shouldn't be annoyed and a 45 minute break in an important relationship conversation is a normal thing that usually leaves everyone feeling as though they don't need to be worried about everything.

And now I'm left wondering what the hell to do. Do I just say "you know, I have some serious issues with this"? Do I go back on there and read whatever message she's sent about how I should have no interest in why she's acting so distant and uninterested? Do I just act petty and not go on facebook to reply to her for a few days? Like, what's the win scenario here?

What I'd like to do is be able to calmly address the problem and talk it out, but I *know* that doesn't work, because it never worked in person. I had to do the "dude, if you keep just disappearing and having these weird, secretive conversations, and whatever, I'm going to dump you" thing, which is just pathetic. And then I had to hear about how horrible ultimatums are and how she doesn't respond to them.

The whole thing is just exhausting me. I was just about to start listing all the sketchy aspects of all this, but no, that's even more exhausting, so I won't.

Someone also asked why I keep her around. It's not really unfair wording. Or at least it sure doesn't feel that way at the moment.

I've been thinking about it. I think my response at the time was fairly accurate - I've given up on a lot of people who tried very hard. I've been unworthy of any effort for a lot of my life. I've thrown a lot of things away. So now, pathologically, I can't even throw something away that might be the right thing to get rid of.

There's always a dark little doubt - what if, counter to all logic, everything is completely legit?

But there's more. Like:

Why should my happiness come before someone else's, especially when that person is literally incapable of doing such things on their own?

What if I'm just being paranoid?

What if there's some far ranging consequence to making the wrong move here?

And

What do I do next, then?

I don't want to meet another person. I think I have a lot to give, these days. Maybe I also want a lot - it's hard to be objective about something like that - but I think that with the right person, I could easily return the favor in giving them the things they need from a relationship. I am willing to go a pretty far distance and put in a lot of effort, and I've proven that to myself with people like my current lady, and my ex-wife, and so on.

My vision is projected through a mirror, darkly, but I don't see the issues here really having anything to do with me, much like I don't think the issues in the last relationship had to do with me. There are some diagnosed, or diagnosable instabilities with these people, and I think a third party looking at the situation would have trouble not understanding why I'm feeling this way.

The advice literally everyone will give is "take a break, be by yourself for a while."

It's not bad advice, and it's well meaning, and I appreciate that people are willing to take the time to offer such a thing. But it just doesn't work for me.

I don't have people in my life, in general. I never have. When I was younger, it was because I was pretty terrible to be around. Now it's because I don't know how to gain the right kind of people. I'm weird and not good at being social on a meaningful, connective level. It's just the reality - yeah, I can bullshit with people pretty well, and just the right amount of alcohol makes me come across as a pretty fun person, and I can certainly act like everyone's friend in a sales capacity, but I'm just not capable of connecting right in a way that counts.

I don't attract the kinds of people I want to attract. I don't just mean in a relationship way, I'm speaking in general. There's no one out there who is excited to visit with me, or considers me a close friend, or to whom I'm actually all that interesting beyond being something of a curiosity.

I get that there's perhaps readers here again that would disagree with that, but I don't mean it harshly or bitterly or as

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAFuD-S-e_E&index=6&list=RDTDkhl-CgETg

That comes on as I write this. Man, there's my sign for today, eh?

Anyway, I don't mean it as something that's an issue. I get it, and I appreciate that both of you have been in my life in the capacity you guys have, dear readers. You are good people, patient and tolerant and kind and beautiful in the way that actually means something. I'm glad that I get to have people like you in my life, and I'm even more glad that both of you have been a constant in that regard.

But you can't say that's not exactly true, and that's ok. It's just who I am, and how I am, and I completely understand it. I know who I am, and I know why I'm that way, and honestly, with some exceptions (I'd like to think you guys fit the bill), I get that it generally makes people incredibly uncomfortable. Even within this post, I get that it's weird and unusual to proclaim such an appreciation when it's probably not something that's completely normal in relatively casual friendships. I'm not saying this sort of thing in in an effort to change that dynamic by any means. No one has a commitment to fix me feeling like this, and no one has a commitment to fix me. I don't think anyone can, including myself, and I'm sure that knowing me, it seems pretty plausible that I would be bitter or angry or whatever, and wanting to blame someone else for it. But I don't, and that's not it - it's no one's fault, it's just the reality. It's just how I'm wired.

But I am saying it to try to illustrate a point.

I don't have people in my life, I don't know how to get people in my life, and at this, point, I'm not sure I even really want more  people in my life. At least not in the romantic relationship part of it - I don't know how to get the kinds of people I'd actually enjoy, and I am so, so tired of pulling things together all the time for people I don't enjoy.

"But wait," you say, "Isn't that just saying that yes, you should be alone for a while?"

I don't think so. I don't think that's how this works for me.

If I stop just crashing forward through this forest, I'm going to lose the trail. I'm going to forget how to find it. I have so much trouble relating and conversing and just being human as it is, and I know that if I don't keep pushing forward regardless of the results, I'm going to stop being able to do that some day.

Maybe I'll write a post up about my real mom some time. That's what happened to her, so it seems relevant. She's not the reason it's happening to me (I fucked her over long ago and we don't talk anymore), but I recognize that embittered, inhuman aspect inside of her, and I can see all too easily how she got there.

I'd like to end on a higher note - I get to see my number one girl, the best thing in my life, in a couple days. But unfortunately, I'm on the tangent of family now, and I can't help but wonder if she's going to turn out like the rest of us fuckups when she grows up.

At least I'm less angry now. I think I'm still going to go get drunk though.