I don't know if you remember the question, but this would seem to be the answer

I am shockingly lucid for this hour in the morning.

Anyway, something else now. It's a quiet, quiet night, and I need something to do. So blog writing, yes! I have not written much of anything anywhere for a while, so perhaps it will be fun and profitable. Or something.

Sometimes it feels like life is all about floating around in this really weird, ocean-like reality, all alone on a rowboat surrounded by other people in their own boats, equipped with a magic compass that tells me exactly where I'm headed for, but a map that doesn't actually tell me where "where" is, or what I'll find when I get there.

Along the way, you bump into all kinds of wondrous islands, and perilous rocks, and little bits of other peoples' boats who've wrecked along the way.

Maybe sometimes I can wiggle my course a little, but in the end, the ocean currents will always win, and even if sometimes that compass is pointed towards some nasty looking rocks I can see from a mile away, there isn't always much or anything I can do about it.

Sometimes, it seems like maybe the compass isn't showing me where the boat is headed, but rather the boat is headed towards whatever the compass decides to point towards.

Sometimes, it's easy to get too wrapped up in looking at the map and trying to chart a course to some nice, solid land, only to look up and realize the boat's turned itself around and nowhere near where I expected it to be.

Sometimes, much energy is expended trying to paddle over to someone else's boat, but it almost always seems like either no one's in there, the occupant is a raving lunatic who's drank too much saltwater, or their boat is sinking, and all they want is yours.

Sometimes, it's just a little too easy to to just give up on it, smoke all the magic plants I found on that one island over there, and fall asleep in the sun. Then everything gets horribly sunburnt. I'm not even sure there's an metaphoric meaning here - I'm just horribly sunburned, and it sucks.

On a closely related note, I've thought about it lots, and I think the pivotal thing I should have said was "Nein Fraulien, ich bin eine vampire." Live and learn, I guess.

I am slightly enamoured with my new friends. There's just something appealing about meeting other nutballs who will top absolutely every absurd thing you do. I mean, how many other people do I know who will do the hustle with me? How many people do I know who offer you beer at 7:30 in the morning, then spend the day getting hammered and cruising around the countryside in a weird European partybus? I think this is why I like hanging out with Rocco so much - he's not nuts like these guys, but he's used to it and doesn't mind me being nuts. Not even in a patronizing way - he just enjoys the absurd, something which I think is really rare in the types of people I know.

I think the best part about these guys is that they aren't actually really some crazy fucked up people - they are all really rich, very nice, smart folks, they just like having a good time. I was interested in going on this whole Swiss trip thing should it ever materialize, but now it seems like it will be ridonkulously fun.

I believe Cambodia has been shuffled out of the present lead for next place to go. I'm pretty sure they have bigass spiders there anyway.

Speaking of bigass spiders, Rocco has one in his bathroom, which he named something I was too disturbed by to remember. I told him he should have named it "Squished", which seemed to amuse, then horrify him, as he explained that Shelob (which I'm pretty sure is the name he gave it) was pregnant. I informed him that no, I did not actually kill it because it was too fucking huge to hit with my shoe, and also on the ceiling. I suggested he go do the deed before he wound up with thousands of baby Shelobs living in his walls, to which he informed me he was not worried, as they would all die in the winter.

I AM PRETTY FUCKING SURE THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. SOME SPIDERS CAN LIVE UNDER SNOW FOR SIX MONTHS. YOUR WARM HOUSE IS NO OBSTICLE TO THEM.

Note to self - do not go to Rocco's after October.

I've been watching a lot of Red Vs. Blue on Netflix. By watching, I mean playing in the background while I do other things, which is how most of my TV seems to be absorbed since I've run out of good things on Netflix. For a show made from a videogame I wasn't super interested in ten years ago, it's actually fairly entertaining.

I was over at Devon's the other day, and while we were smoking in the shed, we got on the topic of how him and Kris met. Yes, bookstore Kris. She is married now, if you didn't know.

Apparently, the whole time I was there and it seemed like they were having an affair, they really actually were kind of having an affair. Which is fucking surprising, because neither is really the type.

it's weird where some people find happiness. Kris likes control, and is in some ways an angry person. A good person, absolutely, and generally very nice, but with a very specific "life code" type thing in her head, and very little tolerance for those who go against it.

Devon is kind of the exact opposite of all that. He's pretty meh about things, one of those drug councillors who's completely hooked on pot.

I know they say opposites attract, but I just don't see how that ever worked to begin with. Kris should have killed him off the hop, and failing that, Dev should have at least gone a little nuts by now. Instead, they compromise, and work things out, and generally get along well.

Makes me wonder how much of a successful relationship is really attraction or commonalities, or more just finding someone with the same dysfunctions and issues you have (which are there in this case, but not really my business to share), and then making everything else work around that because it's rare to find someone who relates.

Which all kind of really makes me question what the hell I really want out of anything like that.

Typically, I think the answer to this is "excitement". I don't actually really like dating anyone ever, I just like the success of getting them to want to date me. Perhaps if I'd had a different upbringing, the whole "I win power trip thing" would come from sex like it kinda seems like it's supposed to, but for me that whole aspect is pretty irrelevant. I mean, I think I maybe enjoy rougher stuff a little more simply because normal stuff is only interesting if there is an emotional connection, but I'm pretty content not to actually ever really do anything at all after the initial moment of emotional "Ha, I got ya" - honestly, sex at this point in my life is something that happens more because I don't want whomever I'm with to feel unwanted and generally have little better to do, not because I have a ton of interest in doing it or am really all that good at it anymore.

I'm not really sure this is any kind of good stance to have on relationships, because it's obviously selfish, but at the same time, I think the people I date are generally fairly happy, and it's not as though my enjoyment comes from hurting them. I've dated people I've had absolutely no interest in simply because it would be mean to dump them and I really think more people prefer the "well, there's tons of much better people for you out there" line than the explanation of "well, honestly, I just wanted to see if you'd fall for it". Or even the whole "you won't stop calling, so I'll be an ass now" routine, because at least it's pretty final.

All that said, what stance should I have? A conventional relationship is just unexciting. As a relatively relevant example, Lisa is a pretty great girlfriend, attractive, and usually looks out for me, but at the same time, am I really going to spend the rest of my life here? Really? It just seems so unexciting.

I know that's all wrong, but what am I supposed to do about it? The fact that I have someone to stick with me no matter what is the whole reason I find it all uninteresting. When I couldn't have her, she was the most desirable thing on the planet.

Maybe that's really the trick, there. Find something or someone that the drawbacks of losing beat out the "drawbacks" of keeping. I'm not sure how realistic that concept even is, as that sounds like one rare, rare bird, but it seems easier than trying to rewire myself.

And maybe that's all it is. I think I lived most of my life with a pretty naïve, romantic version of how things should be, and I don't think it's super hard to see how I got from there to here. Maybe it's just a matter of staying the course.

I lean towards this hard work, hold the course thing. While I don't think Lisa really relates to me or knows me that well, neither does anyone else, really, and she certainly tries harder than anyone I've ever met, and I see no reason that tremendous effort shouldn't be rewarded.


Wow, this all got very long and uncomfortable, and is not really the kind of thing that goes on this particular blog. I blame this week - it's been eerily reminiscent of many events I have not thought of in a long time. The problem with old echoes bouncing around in your head is that they tend to keep going till the simply bounce themselves out.

Anyway, maybe I will call that good, though I could probably go on for a while about the first time I heard this song. There are other places in need of rambles.