The T, it stands for treason. The D, it stands for doubt. But maybe I just use too much.

And don't even get me fucking started on steam. I paid like nine bucks for this shit and grew grey hairs waiting for it to download, so why is it not coming with updates all in? I should not have to wait like this to go mass murder photonic beings.

Bear, you smell like a pile of ass. Or maybe that's me. I haven't showered in a while and certain made a decent a mess as I could of last night.

This is one of those rare times when I really don't feel like writing and have nothing to say, but have nothing else to do, either. I can't play video games, or my steam updating will stop and I won't be able to play the one I want.

I could go for a walk, but it's six in the morning and walking back will be uphill no matter which direction I take.

I could maybe go over to Sally's if she's up and smoke a joint with her, but I don't really feel up to it, and I don't think Lisa would like me out or over there at this early an hour.

Anyway. What I will do is sit here and listen to Sublime and write stuff and maybe try to figure out what smells so bad.

I wish I were tired, but I spent most of the night on the couch, passed out in front of the TV. The other night really did exhaust me.

This is horribly boring. LeSigh and shit. Tonight (or this morning, rather) is going to be one of those crushingly depressing nights where I just feel like shit for no reason besides being able to. I need to get out of here and go distract myself somehow, but have no idea how or why or what to do about it.

I could get drunk, I guess. I mean, it's six in the morning, but it's not like anyone would know or judge. Except maybe Lisa, but I don't think she'd really care too much.

I'm surprised I didn't have the shakes today. I'm actually REALLY surprised how good I felt for the day.

Oh look, nearly done.

This Kaluha is fucking awful. Why do we have so much of it? Why is there not vodka? Am I really living in a house with no vodka?

I think I know what I really need here, and pot and shitty girl drinks are a poor substitute for it. substitutes for anything kind of suck, really - there is not much point to anything if it's not the real thing. I can gurantee that "it" is not at all what you are probably thinking here - I frankly don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not a person, place, or thing. Otherwise, I'd do there, do that, or see them, or whatever. No, it's far more intangible than that, and thus much much harder to go out and get.

Wow, that booze worked wayyy too good at cheering me up. I take it back. It's a fucking awesome substitute for whatever feeling or experience I'm craving right now. That was like a total three second change right there - when you read this later, then look back through our conversation, you should be able to see the exact second it happened pretty clearly. I'm still fucking bored, but now cheery bored and much easier to self-entertain. Yay!



I like that he^, myself, and nearly everyone I know has a coffee table exactly like that - littered with shit and ashes. Must be part of the "lifestyle".

I don't even know what lifestyle that would be. Bunch of lazy drunks and stoners, I guess.

I think it's a very unfulfilling but usually entertaining way to live, personally. What's more important in life, accomplishing great things, or just having an entertaining time? Are you stuck picking one or the other? I guess it kind of comes down to individual values and what you see as important.

I think my fundamental priority is to not drive myself nuts or let myself go crazy. To that end, I find it somewhat irrelevant as to how that's accomplished - sometimes, some ways will seem nicer than others, but I doubt more and more that it really has anything to do with those things being any inherently better than just smoking some pot or having a drink, I just do them less frequently and thus miss them.

I think a lot of people see that kind of stuff as bad because it prevents you from enjoying life and doing things. I would disagree with that. While it certainly prevents me from doing much with other people sometimes, I am pretty capable of doing a lot around the house. I've got lots of hobbies.

And as much as it never makes it into these blogs, there is lots of the unexpected and the good that happens here too. So yeah, kind of mixed feelings on that one.

I guess in the context of some of the more serious things you were talking about tonight, if it makes you feel any better, I can say this with certainty: I don't really ever have any idea what I really want, either.

C'est la vie, says Jerry Lee.

I'm pretty sure I made two new friends this week. Which is good, I know I pissed off some older ones a little bit. That's ok, one of the better things about people like them is that they have very short memories. Standup guys, even if we annoy eachother sometimes.

I keep seeing this reflection of someone standing behind me in my window out of the corner of my eye. It's just the shadow of my head working in concert with the window. Quite a good illusion, and I keep forgetting about it then startling myself.

You know what else I always forget about that blows my mind whenever I remember?

I have fish on this blog.

Anyway. This game is nearly done. By nearly, I mean I think I may go smoke a cigarette, put in the laundry, shower, smoke a bowl, finish the chapter of one of the cheaper pulp books I'm on, take a little nap because I feel pretty good, then fire it up.

Maybe once I close all these other webpages, shit will go faster too!