Well fuck it. This booze isn't even making me feel drunk.

What a fucking lame night. I mean, the best conversation I had was about how everything sucks now and used to be better when we were kids, with some random person I don't have a ton of interest in ever talking to again. I have one beer left. The wine is gone, the vodka's gone, and the shit, super sweet whiskey is super shit.

I think I'm gonna ride my bike down to the beach after all. Waterbottle of this shit whiskey, and the fucking beer, I guess. Maybe I'll meet someone interesting. It happens. Shame the water is so fucking cold.

Shame everything is so fucking cold sometimes.

Man, you know what I actually really need?

I need a big old bottle of T1s and a screwdriver.

That fixes shit well enough more often than not, and worst comes to worst, I'll just fall asleep for a bit and wake up tomorrow, maybe feeling more like I want to be alive.

Shame I don't have ten fucking dollars anymore. I need to go collect my money from the neighbors tomorrow. It's been a few months and I'm betting I could knock myself right on my ass quite satisfactorily.

Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

Right, so.

I think that was indeed a good example. Me having dated two friends really doesn't seem horribly relevant to me, and, perhaps it's simply due to that, but I have trouble seeing it as relevant to you.

It's just a lack of interest in that sense. Which, hey, I'm good with. It might shock you to know that that some kind of romance isn't really my motivation here, or why I'm interested in talking to you. It's a pretty thought, but not a realistic one. If I had a dime for every pretty thought out there, I really could spend the rest of my life drunk. I don't, but I'm still pretty good with things remaining like that.

But I think as an example, it illustrates my point pretty well. I get pretty old, pretty quick. There's a certain sort of person that I'm simply never going to have much luck with.

But I really don't feel like talking about that. I've talked about enough shitty things tonight. And like, what's the point? Rehashing shit I already know about myself, telling it to someone else in the hopes of what? Like, what's the ideal end game with something like that? Who gains anything?

What's the point of rehashing it all here? I've spent 20 years knowing what the deal is here. I know the score, yo.


I'm not sure getting drunk is going to do much to cheer me up this evening. I don't know what would. I think I'm gonna get fucked up and go ride my bike until I puke.

Oh christ. This is why I can't be drunk all the time. I remember now, I'm old enough to get hangovers.

Have you ever talked to someone, and wondered if they are actually a real person, or obsequious to the point that they seem unbelievably real?

Like.

I don't know. I'm off balance right now, and that's incredibly rare.

But if you're real, if this is how you see life, if this is how you feel and react and just.... if this is how things are for you, I'm so very, very glad to count you as someone who is in my life.

I don't know.

This one is about you, dear perhaps reader.

Ayyy it's april and 27 above

I'm fucking exhausted. I'm about to get pretty smashed, but I think I've earned it. And I also made the mistake of drinking with my new Portuguese buddy at like 3 PM, a bunch of lame craft beer, so I'm pretty sure I'm slightly hungover. One of the beers was called Nut Dark, which sounded to me like tanning solution for your testes. It was pretty shit.

I've been pretty less than positive on this thing lately. I think it's more interesting to read, but it's also kind of depressing.

So some good things about life before I go get drunk and rant about crap:

It's beautiful here. Like, so, so sunny, all the time.

I did get a job. Nothing fancy, which is how I wanted it. But I think it's very well thought out in terms of my pseudo-long term plan.

I can get anywhere by bike, and there's lots of good places to go. Today I went to the beach and made friends with this really chill duck. He just kinda stood around next to me while I sat and listened to music.

It really is always beautiful here. I've been riding the bike around a lot, and going to the beach alot. The one picture up there is from last night. I stopped, had a smoke and a beer, and talked to this very nice homeless lady. We had an interesting conversation about.... well, she had an interesting conversation about something. Then she invited me to live with her. I declined, but it was nice to think I made the lonely homeless person a little less lonely for a little bit.

Anyway, that's all the positive thinking I can do for the moment. Shortly, I'll be drunk, and you can bet I'll be back.

This was a beautiful post, but nope. NOPE.