The suicide prevention hotline number is busy, and the chat thing is full. Now THAT's depressing.

I didn't know where else I could put this, but figured it was an observation I'd like to look back on in the future.

I wasn't serious, just alone. I got fired. My girlfriend is who knows where. My family's all gone, and my facebook had a fake name, so I lost really anyone to talk to. I figured I could BS with some volunteer for a few minutes and probably feel better about things. No luck tonight maybe.

So instead, I poked around on dontoffyourself.com or whatever. I found this interesting:

A famous psychologist once conducted a study of Nazi concentration camp survivors, and found that those who survived almost always reported strong beliefs about what was important in life. You, too, might be able to strengthen your connection with life if you consider what has sustained you through hard times in the past. Family ties, religion, love of art or nature, and dreams for the future are just a few of the many aspects of life that provide meaning and gratification, but which we can lose sight of due to emotional distress.

I think, fundamentally, that's sort of my biggest problem at the moment. I don't have much belief about what's important in life. My last serious goal was to clean off the couch so I could lay in a sunbeam. It took me like two months.

I don't have family ties. I don't have religion, not in a traditional sense that brings a human network, or love of much of everything. I don't even have anger or hate for much of anything. I have what I guess you'd call "crushing ambivalence".

I'm certainly not clamouring to die or anything, but the anti-suicide site's actually done a really good job of kind of elucidating that I really have nothing to live for.

I kinda think this is the norm, honestly, simply because it's so subjective. I mean, what do you have to live for? Would you actually no longer want to live if you could never have that? I think really, people just go on because they do. This business of "things to live for" is simply a more attractive outlook than "well, it's all kind of pointless but that isn't really bad per se". It's also catchier.

Ya know, I'm ok with that possibility.

I mean, I like being with you. But I honestly also kinda miss not being with anyone. It WAS pretty lonely, don't get me wrong.

But I'd actually managed to kinda fix that by the time you came along. Actually, I'd managed to fix most of the things I wasn't happy with. You were the icing on the cake.

It occurs to me that I kinda like cake in general. Icing is nice. But if the icing becomes more important than the cake, it's maybe not so nice. If I'm spending more time getting the icing to look nice, then it's less time spent actually enjoying the cake.

So I mean, yeah, that's my failing. I don't want to put a bunch of effort in. I'm ok with that being my fault. But it's about all I'm gonna do. I'm really good with whatever, because you really are just my icing.

If you wanna do something about it, I certainly won't stop you. It would take all of about three minutes of action on your part to fix what you're not happy with - this is, after all, something relating only to you, that you yourself are doing. I don't comment on it, bring it up, let it bug me, or really care about it - it's YOUR thing. So I mean, if you don't like it, then... well, really, stop doing it. I've been pretty clear that in this regard, I can't help you. I can only really dictate my own actions, feelings, and thoughts.

This is Sil when she's expecting a picture to be taken. She might look at this one day and see I used the other picture. So here, here is one you like.

 

Anyway. I wonder how things might have turned out in a different universe. Not that they turned out badly here by any means. It's just an interesting thought.

Well, I guess I'm still doing this, yup yup. Oh well. She's still got the right stuff in many ways.

< This is Sil. She isn't as harmless as she looks.

I asked for a pretty significant raise at work a few weeks ago. The idea was this:

For what I usually do at work, people working other places, doing the same things, will usually make about three times as much as I do per hour, at least after they've been there as long as I've been here.

A place in town is hiring at $30 per hour to do this same work. That's a few bucks more than I make now, and more importantly, it would get me the fuck out of having to be here. I really, really am not a fan of here.

Of course, after you've been at a place for half a decade, most employers interviewing you will ask why you left. That would have been a bit of a long story - I hate it here because there is an official policy built completely for me. I truly, truly have a different set of rules than anyone else working here. Sometimes it's nice, often it's not, and I have no idea how it came to be in the first place.

But I didn't really feel like explaining that in an interview. A lot of the shit that goes on around here is, honestly, not the kind stuff I'd really believe happens if I wasn't here to see it and deal with it myself.

So I figured, well hey. I'll ask for this raise. I won't get it, and then when I go interview, I could simply point to my vast resume and all the things I do here, and tell the guy "I want to quit there and work here because I'm already doing all these things, think I have a future in them at a place like this, and because I'm not being compensated at a level everyone in this industry deems to be fair." Or something like that. It would have been a good justification.

Instead, I got the fucking raise, and my boss said "well, now you're all in, eh? Gonna be sticking around!"

I guess on the flip side of that - they can't really fire me now, either. In my very persuasive argument as to why I deserved more money (I should have maybe half-assed it, but hey), I think I finally made them realize that without me, literally half of their business just falls apart. Unless, of course, they're willing to bring in people who will accordingly demand the aforementioned two to three times what I make fee.

I don't know. On one hand, I'm making more money to basically fuck around all day (I'm vital here, but don't really have to actually put in much effort just to keep things running), work on my vidya game, read, etc. On the other hand, I'm now kinda stuck here, and I'd be shocked if I get another raise pretty much ever. Not that it matters - I already have wayyy more money than I need.

Which in itself is maybe a weird complaint.

It turns out that the vast majority of my spending doesn't actually come from me. The only reason I've ever bought or rented a house is because some girl wanted me to. The only reason I've ever really eaten take out or anything is because I hate being the only one who cooks and cleans. Etc. etc.

I don't actually cost much. I live in a quiet, little apartment. Before I met Sil, I always cooked, quit drinking, drugs, and smoking. I didn't drive because I really don't need to.

This is a fairly recent picture of my place. I have nicer couches and a bunch of fish and stuff in there right now.

It also turns out that I'm really not good at saving money. Well. I try. But then I meet someone. Or want to do something. Or, as has happened many times over the last few months, someone that someone else, such as Sarah, owes money to, will track me down to get me to pay her debts. I usually do because I feel some sympathy for those suckers.

Whatever happens, it usually fucks my delicate budget. I'm used to having a few thousand bucks free at the end of the month. When something comes up, that stops happening, and suddenly, I can't afford my nice FO internet or a month's supply of tocino, or any of the little things I do usually splurge on.

I can't help but think that if I was always more broke, I wouldn't be so broke when this kinda stuff happens.

Meh.

I am an idiot.

----

Oh well.

I had a dream last night. We were at this big show of some kind, in this giant semi-open air mall thing. Most of it was fairly unremarkable, looking around, whatever. We were fighting, because hey why not.

My old pal Lucas was there, playing guitar and stuff, and there were drums, all just sitting in this big hallway, so I jammed with him for a while. Afterwards, I had some really big fight with you about something, and basically said "alright, that's it". You stormed off up the huge staircase, all sad and crying. I went and played drums and laughed and had a good time, and made sixty bucks some how, and generally kinda forgot about you.

Then somehow, the kids from the simpsons showed up, and I had to look after them. One of them ran away, but I couldn't go find him while dragging the others along. So I left them playing on the edge of the roof (which lead to some interestingly weird world moving vertigo when I got near it. Anyway, they're cartoon characters, I figured they'd be fine.), and ran off to find the other kid.

Then, somehow, the place caught on fire. The nearest door was locked. I was pretty tired and didn't really want to deal with it, so I went to bed. Let me burn, whatever.

But no. You kicked down the door to my room. Smoke poured in from the hallway, and I could hear screams and shit as the whole building started to come apart. You were wearing this suit made out of soaked rags. I guess I'm only assuming it was you, since you looked like a pudgy version of the scarecrow from batman. Anyway.

"Hi," you said, like we were going to talk about shit and work it out or cuddle.

"We have to get out of here!" I cried. If I wasn't going to burn to death in peace, I didn't really want to burn to death.

"Why?"

"Because the building is on fire?" I motion around, incredulous.

"Oh."

I notice a door at the end of the hall that clearly says "Outside". Somehow I missed that before.

"Look," I jump out of the room, "We can get out right over there."

"Why?"

"Uh"

"But it's so cold out there."

Then you grabbed my arm, trying to drag me back so that you didn't have to die alone from your own actions.

I woke up before it happened.

----

I think it's actually a good parallel to what's happening here.

So here's my plan. I'm just not gonna worry. Que sera sera and shit, you know? Worrying gets me nowhere, as does actively trying to do anything about things. I think I'll just not pay attention. I don't really know what else to do and don't give enough of a fuck to think of a better plan.This is something for now. It doesn't mean forever, and for now is good enough.

Yeah. I think we're done here.

I know what I want. This is really close, but it isn't it.

I like the whole movie romance thing. I think I'm pretty good at giving that to people these days.

The problem is, it's never my movie. I'm not a main character. I'm the nice enough dude who is there as an alternative to the actual, important people in the movie. We have fun, but in the end, I gotta make room for the star of the show.

It's nice to be a part of things, but I'm just about 30. I can't put my life on hold for shit anymore, and this sort of shit is no exception. I have things I wanna do. I'd like to do them with someone like this, but I'd also like to not have to feel crappy about it and spend the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't think it's cutting and running when the going gets rough. The going, as yet, is not rough. I think it's a strategic, intelligent move for self preservation. Maybe I wasn't ready for this yet anyway.

Maybe I just shouldn't be in this kinda thing. I'm too picky to waste time with cool people I have nothing in common with, and I'm not sure what I'm looking for is around. I actually kinda liked being alone.

I mean, it was lonely, but not in a "gee I need a girlfriend" way - it would just be nice to have company over once and a while. Since I'm totally capable of doing so, I'm not too sure why I decided to bother with this.

I'm pretty sure I can put it nicely, too. Being with me just because you're already with me, when you  want to be some where else, is stupid. It does no favors to anyone.

According to Facebook's "on this day" thing, I've spent every June 6th for the past 8 years just fucking hammered. Maybe that's what I should do today.

Did you know it's Day-Day-Day today?

Turns out that if you want that highschool feeling, there's no way not to have to deal with the rest of the bullshit.

Man, this always happens. Might as well set the expiry date on this one as some time in the next few weeks.

On the flip side, people such as her do indeed exist, and there's gonna be one out there without the same old problems.

I'm really bummed out, but I guess it's just a matter of trying to stay positive.

Which I should really be doing alone. Sigh.

It's raining pretty good out there. Big heavy drops.

I sat out on the front steps for a while and watched it. It's a nice night and I'm a sucker for things that make the town seem kinda pretty.

Does make me wish I'd opted for a balcony though. Or at least had the foresight to get a place that isn't right next to the frighteningly loud drainpipe. Ah well.

My online dating actually turned up a decent result today, which was sort of neat, but then I remembered that I really, really suck at relating to other people or any kind of small talk. Still, she seemed smart and clever and very nice, and is my kind of pretty, so it was kind of an instant, quick little crush and that felt pretty good. I don't think that one will go anywhere, but still encouraging to meet someone who seems to want the same things out of life as I do.

I don't really know what I expect out of a relationship though. Someone to co-exist with would probably be good enough. I think anything else is almost a little too idealized, ya know?

I guess in a perfect world. You know that way you felt about someone as a kid or in highschool or whenever that first whazzam moment kinda found you? Something like that. But leave it at the whazzam and forget about everyone proceeding to act like a bunch of kids or highschoolers or whatever. That kinda feeling. I don't know that I'm too worried about the rest of the details - I know how I'd like them to look, but it's honestly kinda secondary.

I don't know. I might just give up on that should this one fall through and revist it when I'm an old man and everyone is on the same page about things. Who knows.

In the meantime, I kinda gave up my plan of exercising and finding a hobby and stuff. I did complete (mostly) my get the fuck out of all this debt plan, so that's good. But I don't know. The only reason I can think of to really want or need interests is to find other people with the same interests. I'm not sure I care about that much anymore, because I don't know if I've ever actually met one of these other people and likely will not in the immediate area. I know a lot of people who fake interests just to have a social group, but I just don't know if that's quite for me at the moment.

So instead, I'm doing some fun and interesting experiments with myself.

Today marks my second week of not eating. Well, it's just about 1 AM and I plan to eat tomorrow, so it's more marking the first day I'm gonna eat after two weeks of not eating. After the third day, I just stopped being hungry. Obviously, starving yourself to death is pretty fucking dangerous, but it was interesting to see how long I could run with it before I gave in. I'm now pretty sure I could go the full three weeks and presumably die, but I'm not all that curious.

I should back it up. I didn't really just spontaneously decide not to eat. I also decided, quite foolishly, to take last Tuesday off so I could try some nutmeg out starting Monday evening. In case you didn't know, if you consume enough nutmeg, you trip fucking BALLS. It's supposed to last a day or two, but it turns out if you consume more than enough, you'll trip for a little over a week, and it is both somewhat debilitating and totally fucking awful. You'd come totally down and feel normal, then out of the blue, you'd light a smoke or turn a page or whatever - I found noise was a big thing for me - and then you'd just be fucking blitzed.

So needless to say, I really didn't wanna cook or go anywhere to get food. For a few days I'm fairly sure I didn't actually even leave my room. Then I just ran with it.

Both were an experience.

I've had wicked insomnia for the last couple months too. I'm pretty sure it's got to be tied to the divorice, but I'm not sure how. I don't feel stressed and literally giggle with happiness when I snuggle up in my bed to try to sleep pretty much every night (fuck off, I really like my bed), but for whatever reason it just doesn't happen. I'm averaging about two hours a day, which, it turns out, is survivable, though I look like shit. After a while of that, I don't really feel tired anymore either. Might be that I don't remember what not tired feels like.

I get this sounds horribly self destructive, but would point out two things:

1. I actually feel pretty neat. I found out I can totally exist for at least limited amounts of time with no sleep or food. I can't really put it all down to willpower, but it's kinda cool to know that the limit to what I'm capable of taking in that sense is pretty high for the most part. I also got to try a drug I've been wanting to try for like years (would you believe I haven't had a week or even a few days completely alone in over a decade?), and while it sucked, I still got to try it and have a bit of fun with it.

2. The last time I was in a really shitty place, and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, it didn't turn out good. Seriously, I did the "smart, responsible thing", cleaned myself up, started being kinda normal, less of a dick, tried to make amends where I could, etc. etc., and you know what happened? I got married! To an obviously unstable person!

It's hard to explain, but if I'm not involved in something that's at least a little fucked up, the universe eventually seems to notice that something isn't right, and instigates some bizarre turn of events to fix itself. Usually it overcompensates a bit. So I'd rather maintain that balance myself, ideally in a way that doesn't really affect anyone besides myself. Starving myself because why not is one of those kinds of things that's a just fucked up enough way to kill time to keep the great karmic voodoo balance in order while not actually risking some disaster I'm completely unprepared for.

Anyway, I have also come up with something resembling a long term plan. At the end of the month, my kiddo moves. I don't really have any friends here anymore, and there's nothing really tying me down. I'm lazy and frankly not particularly confident in this plan turning out anything at all like I'm picturing it, but should things be pretty much the same as they are now in a year, when my lease is up, then I think I'll give it a go.

Perhaps some more details closer to the time.

I am lonely.

Beyond working hours, I exist in this sort of magical, special bubble of solitude, where my actions influence nothing and I am separate from the rest of humanity as a whole. To an objective, outside observer, from about 6 PM to about 9 AM, I simply cease to exist.

I truely think that if I were to just dissapear during this time, no one would really notice. My parents would eventually, but would assume I'm fine and just doing my thing. Eve and Lisa would, though I'm not sure Eve is really capable of understanding the nature of our relationship and it would be more a thing of note for Lisa than a noteworthy thing. Work would, obviously. I'm fairly sure they are the only ones who would really be concerned, at least until they figured out I don't actually do anything there and how all the automated stuff works.

I don't know how to fix this. I'm too old and weird for the bars. I'm too young to associate with people by dint of being a dying generation. How do you meet real people?

I'm giving up on finding more intimate companionship. I have no idea what I want - really, all I can do is pin down what I don't want. It's not a good way to design a criteria. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that any kind of successful interaction there is pretty much impossible. I don't even know who I am anymore. I mean. I can establish some things based on observation - I'm a blobbish thing that clicks buttons nine hours a day, and I'm pretty unambitious. But I don't know. What are my interests? Hobbies?

Bah. Fuck. Bah. I quit.

I'm pretty horribly depressed, I've decided.