The suicide prevention hotline number is busy, and the chat thing is full. Now THAT's depressing.

I didn't know where else I could put this, but figured it was an observation I'd like to look back on in the future.

I wasn't serious, just alone. I got fired. My girlfriend is who knows where. My family's all gone, and my facebook had a fake name, so I lost really anyone to talk to. I figured I could BS with some volunteer for a few minutes and probably feel better about things. No luck tonight maybe.

So instead, I poked around on dontoffyourself.com or whatever. I found this interesting:

A famous psychologist once conducted a study of Nazi concentration camp survivors, and found that those who survived almost always reported strong beliefs about what was important in life. You, too, might be able to strengthen your connection with life if you consider what has sustained you through hard times in the past. Family ties, religion, love of art or nature, and dreams for the future are just a few of the many aspects of life that provide meaning and gratification, but which we can lose sight of due to emotional distress.

I think, fundamentally, that's sort of my biggest problem at the moment. I don't have much belief about what's important in life. My last serious goal was to clean off the couch so I could lay in a sunbeam. It took me like two months.

I don't have family ties. I don't have religion, not in a traditional sense that brings a human network, or love of much of everything. I don't even have anger or hate for much of anything. I have what I guess you'd call "crushing ambivalence".

I'm certainly not clamouring to die or anything, but the anti-suicide site's actually done a really good job of kind of elucidating that I really have nothing to live for.

I kinda think this is the norm, honestly, simply because it's so subjective. I mean, what do you have to live for? Would you actually no longer want to live if you could never have that? I think really, people just go on because they do. This business of "things to live for" is simply a more attractive outlook than "well, it's all kind of pointless but that isn't really bad per se". It's also catchier.