(play like you're young Tom Petty. Little country, little rock)
I ain't trying to take very long,
But the past rolled in today.
One minute, it's better than fine
In the next, here comes the rain!
Sometimes I just don't understand
How that woman gets me so bad
Plays with my mind and makes me a friend
With the light of day
(break here, bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
As the time goes past
(and again, with filler)
(lead into solo)
And she might not of been my friend
And I know I didn't love her
So why did it hurt so bad
When she left with another
Just another day
In a life long dry,
But I lost some real good friends
When she walked out
(bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
Helps the time go past.
(slide out)
(lots of slide, very oldschool country)
For the last few weeks now
I've been running on empty
Passing from place to place
Where I don't want to be
Ain't seen no service station
That sells rejuvenation
None of these highway towns got anything for me
And someday, I'll settle down
But not right here,
maybe the next town
But until then, I'll just keep rolling
I don't even know where I'm going
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as it's coming
A downhill slide
Tell you where I wanna go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
Girl I loved somewhere behind me
She never even cried
She said I lost direction,
And to me, she never lied
She said she'd be waiting for me
If I ever get back
But from where I sit, this road I'm on
is looking like a one way track.
This road is a lonely old highway
There ain't nobody going my way
Low sun and I'm going fast
Cause I'm just about out of gas
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as a purpose
A downhill slide
Take me where I want to go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
The wind blew me down the road
Grabbed the wheel and took control
Just might take me all the way
To mexico
To Mexico.
(Slide out)
You ask me what I'm doing here,
In your perfect world
I walk around like I have no fear
And you think I'm a child
You say you like the smoke and mirrors
You'd like to think it's all real
Stepping out on a Saturday night
Only night time will tell
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo)
We ain't looking for a sold out show
We're just making the best
Not rich, but we've got the flow
And it comes from the West
(guitar breakdown, yo)
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
Got to thinking about the job at hand
The future's looking bright
Love the change and the brand new thing,
And it feels so right.
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo your fucking heart out. Really, do so for the whole song so long as the intro riff starts right and picks up after each verse)
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
Driving home from your place
I can still see the tears on her face
Falling like rain from that red sky
Looking back now I see
The message you were sending me
"never set sail into the storm"
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On the times that I've missed
Don't walk away,
Just give me one more day
Knowing that it will be okay
Feeling like I'd never
Forget about us together
Sitting on the edge of your bed
And trying not to think ahead
Listening to the rain fall coming down
Trying hard not to hold you tight
Not to let it go any further in the night
For when the morning breaks
I won't be around
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On and think about times that I've missed
Can't walk away,
Just give me one more day
No, it not "will be ok"
Never mind the weather
Forget about us together
One more bottle to wash us down
One more night of hell
Can't walk away
Just give me one more day
I know that tonight would be ok.
Never mind the weather
It's forgetting about us together
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
(intro)
You always liked it
When I used to say
"I can see this coming from a mile away"
Once meant to be
And never meant to last
It was a wild ride
That ended much too fast
Old River Station
Just west of the border
The pumps were soda'd
And the phone was out of order
Six hundred miles
And I can still see your face
As I started the car
And drove away
As I shake my head
I'm just realizing
The extra mile
Is just on the horizon
With 25 miles to go
To the place I'm dreaming of
Since long before I ever fell into this insane love
(outro)
No Steven timeline, because I'm too tired to think well right now. So there's... something else, anyway. I think I'd like to be in a band again someday.
I found these and others in a horrible, drunken journal from last year and the year before, what shall now be dubbed the "Bri Period" of my personal history. I'd like to say I wrote them because I actually think they'd make damn catchy songs, but I remember the music that goes with them and how they are supposed to be sung so vividly that they are probably actually already damn catchy songs by some really obscure band that I found, really enjoyed, and forgot about while hammered. Google tells me nothing unfortunately, the useless twat, because I think I'd very much like to rediscover this band. This is also supported by the fact that I KNOW these are kind of country-ish songs (except for the last, which is jazzy blues and was written as a really, really long sentence. I've put in breaks where I remember there being instrumentals), and it just seems implausible I would spawn a bunch of country music, because no matter how bad it gets, life is NEVER that bad, and by the fact that I don't have much of a singing voice.
Someday, when I'm really drunk and depressed, maybe I will sing you a song. I can just about guarantee it will be Irish, or a rap. And that you will be forced to accompany me on whatever objects in the nearby area seem like plausible instruments. Just a heads up.
29.1.14
There is an old chinese curse....
Back in the day, just before mainstream music lost really any sense of purpose or meaning beyond "I wanna fuck ya" or "I wish you wanted to fuck me", songs actually meant something.
In twilight of these times, a pretty clever and talented guy named Billy Joel wrote a lot of very corny 1980s anthems, and one incredibly catchy tune, which I'm sure you recognize:
Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I hear a song like this, which is obviously supposed to have some meaning to it, I HAVE to know what it's all about.
So, I googled it up, and found an interview in which he says that one of his friends was talking about how nothing exciting had happened in their lifetimes, and that they'd missed all the really interesting stuff. This got him thinking about all the shit that had happened in his lifetime, and how people kind of forget about it. So, he wrote a song detailing everything that was a big thing throughout the decades in his life. The second verse, for example, roughly details the 1950s, the third the 1960s, and so on.
Being me, I spent most of last night looking up these events, and I have to agree with Mr. Joel - a lot fucking happens all the time, even if you don't realize it.
So, I was going to write up a blog about shit that's happened in my life time. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think I really hurt my hand the other night, and don't much feel like typing this all out right now. But it's still an interesting thought, and I'd like to maybe do something later. so this is more of a reminder than anything.
The old Chinese curse is "May you live in exciting times", the theory being that nothing negative happens if nothing is happening at all.
In twilight of these times, a pretty clever and talented guy named Billy Joel wrote a lot of very corny 1980s anthems, and one incredibly catchy tune, which I'm sure you recognize:
Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I hear a song like this, which is obviously supposed to have some meaning to it, I HAVE to know what it's all about.
So, I googled it up, and found an interview in which he says that one of his friends was talking about how nothing exciting had happened in their lifetimes, and that they'd missed all the really interesting stuff. This got him thinking about all the shit that had happened in his lifetime, and how people kind of forget about it. So, he wrote a song detailing everything that was a big thing throughout the decades in his life. The second verse, for example, roughly details the 1950s, the third the 1960s, and so on.
Being me, I spent most of last night looking up these events, and I have to agree with Mr. Joel - a lot fucking happens all the time, even if you don't realize it.
So, I was going to write up a blog about shit that's happened in my life time. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think I really hurt my hand the other night, and don't much feel like typing this all out right now. But it's still an interesting thought, and I'd like to maybe do something later. so this is more of a reminder than anything.
The old Chinese curse is "May you live in exciting times", the theory being that nothing negative happens if nothing is happening at all.
27.1.14
The T, it stands for treason. The D, it stands for doubt. But maybe I just use too much.
And don't even get me fucking started on steam. I paid like nine bucks for this shit and grew grey hairs waiting for it to download, so why is it not coming with updates all in? I should not have to wait like this to go mass murder photonic beings.
Bear, you smell like a pile of ass. Or maybe that's me. I haven't showered in a while and certain made a decent a mess as I could of last night.
This is one of those rare times when I really don't feel like writing and have nothing to say, but have nothing else to do, either. I can't play video games, or my steam updating will stop and I won't be able to play the one I want.
I could go for a walk, but it's six in the morning and walking back will be uphill no matter which direction I take.
I could maybe go over to Sally's if she's up and smoke a joint with her, but I don't really feel up to it, and I don't think Lisa would like me out or over there at this early an hour.
Anyway. What I will do is sit here and listen to Sublime and write stuff and maybe try to figure out what smells so bad.
I wish I were tired, but I spent most of the night on the couch, passed out in front of the TV. The other night really did exhaust me.
This is horribly boring. LeSigh and shit. Tonight (or this morning, rather) is going to be one of those crushingly depressing nights where I just feel like shit for no reason besides being able to. I need to get out of here and go distract myself somehow, but have no idea how or why or what to do about it.
I could get drunk, I guess. I mean, it's six in the morning, but it's not like anyone would know or judge. Except maybe Lisa, but I don't think she'd really care too much.
I'm surprised I didn't have the shakes today. I'm actually REALLY surprised how good I felt for the day.
Oh look, nearly done.
This Kaluha is fucking awful. Why do we have so much of it? Why is there not vodka? Am I really living in a house with no vodka?
I think I know what I really need here, and pot and shitty girl drinks are a poor substitute for it. substitutes for anything kind of suck, really - there is not much point to anything if it's not the real thing. I can gurantee that "it" is not at all what you are probably thinking here - I frankly don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not a person, place, or thing. Otherwise, I'd do there, do that, or see them, or whatever. No, it's far more intangible than that, and thus much much harder to go out and get.
Wow, that booze worked wayyy too good at cheering me up. I take it back. It's a fucking awesome substitute for whatever feeling or experience I'm craving right now. That was like a total three second change right there - when you read this later, then look back through our conversation, you should be able to see the exact second it happened pretty clearly. I'm still fucking bored, but now cheery bored and much easier to self-entertain. Yay!
I like that he^, myself, and nearly everyone I know has a coffee table exactly like that - littered with shit and ashes. Must be part of the "lifestyle".
I don't even know what lifestyle that would be. Bunch of lazy drunks and stoners, I guess.
I think it's a very unfulfilling but usually entertaining way to live, personally. What's more important in life, accomplishing great things, or just having an entertaining time? Are you stuck picking one or the other? I guess it kind of comes down to individual values and what you see as important.
I think my fundamental priority is to not drive myself nuts or let myself go crazy. To that end, I find it somewhat irrelevant as to how that's accomplished - sometimes, some ways will seem nicer than others, but I doubt more and more that it really has anything to do with those things being any inherently better than just smoking some pot or having a drink, I just do them less frequently and thus miss them.
I think a lot of people see that kind of stuff as bad because it prevents you from enjoying life and doing things. I would disagree with that. While it certainly prevents me from doing much with other people sometimes, I am pretty capable of doing a lot around the house. I've got lots of hobbies.
And as much as it never makes it into these blogs, there is lots of the unexpected and the good that happens here too. So yeah, kind of mixed feelings on that one.
I guess in the context of some of the more serious things you were talking about tonight, if it makes you feel any better, I can say this with certainty: I don't really ever have any idea what I really want, either.
C'est la vie, says Jerry Lee.
I'm pretty sure I made two new friends this week. Which is good, I know I pissed off some older ones a little bit. That's ok, one of the better things about people like them is that they have very short memories. Standup guys, even if we annoy eachother sometimes.
I keep seeing this reflection of someone standing behind me in my window out of the corner of my eye. It's just the shadow of my head working in concert with the window. Quite a good illusion, and I keep forgetting about it then startling myself.
You know what else I always forget about that blows my mind whenever I remember?
I have fish on this blog.
Anyway. This game is nearly done. By nearly, I mean I think I may go smoke a cigarette, put in the laundry, shower, smoke a bowl, finish the chapter of one of the cheaper pulp books I'm on, take a little nap because I feel pretty good, then fire it up.
Maybe once I close all these other webpages, shit will go faster too!
Bear, you smell like a pile of ass. Or maybe that's me. I haven't showered in a while and certain made a decent a mess as I could of last night.
This is one of those rare times when I really don't feel like writing and have nothing to say, but have nothing else to do, either. I can't play video games, or my steam updating will stop and I won't be able to play the one I want.
I could go for a walk, but it's six in the morning and walking back will be uphill no matter which direction I take.
I could maybe go over to Sally's if she's up and smoke a joint with her, but I don't really feel up to it, and I don't think Lisa would like me out or over there at this early an hour.
Anyway. What I will do is sit here and listen to Sublime and write stuff and maybe try to figure out what smells so bad.
I wish I were tired, but I spent most of the night on the couch, passed out in front of the TV. The other night really did exhaust me.
This is horribly boring. LeSigh and shit. Tonight (or this morning, rather) is going to be one of those crushingly depressing nights where I just feel like shit for no reason besides being able to. I need to get out of here and go distract myself somehow, but have no idea how or why or what to do about it.
I could get drunk, I guess. I mean, it's six in the morning, but it's not like anyone would know or judge. Except maybe Lisa, but I don't think she'd really care too much.
I'm surprised I didn't have the shakes today. I'm actually REALLY surprised how good I felt for the day.
Oh look, nearly done.
This Kaluha is fucking awful. Why do we have so much of it? Why is there not vodka? Am I really living in a house with no vodka?
I think I know what I really need here, and pot and shitty girl drinks are a poor substitute for it. substitutes for anything kind of suck, really - there is not much point to anything if it's not the real thing. I can gurantee that "it" is not at all what you are probably thinking here - I frankly don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not a person, place, or thing. Otherwise, I'd do there, do that, or see them, or whatever. No, it's far more intangible than that, and thus much much harder to go out and get.
Wow, that booze worked wayyy too good at cheering me up. I take it back. It's a fucking awesome substitute for whatever feeling or experience I'm craving right now. That was like a total three second change right there - when you read this later, then look back through our conversation, you should be able to see the exact second it happened pretty clearly. I'm still fucking bored, but now cheery bored and much easier to self-entertain. Yay!
I like that he^, myself, and nearly everyone I know has a coffee table exactly like that - littered with shit and ashes. Must be part of the "lifestyle".
I don't even know what lifestyle that would be. Bunch of lazy drunks and stoners, I guess.
I think it's a very unfulfilling but usually entertaining way to live, personally. What's more important in life, accomplishing great things, or just having an entertaining time? Are you stuck picking one or the other? I guess it kind of comes down to individual values and what you see as important.
I think my fundamental priority is to not drive myself nuts or let myself go crazy. To that end, I find it somewhat irrelevant as to how that's accomplished - sometimes, some ways will seem nicer than others, but I doubt more and more that it really has anything to do with those things being any inherently better than just smoking some pot or having a drink, I just do them less frequently and thus miss them.
I think a lot of people see that kind of stuff as bad because it prevents you from enjoying life and doing things. I would disagree with that. While it certainly prevents me from doing much with other people sometimes, I am pretty capable of doing a lot around the house. I've got lots of hobbies.
And as much as it never makes it into these blogs, there is lots of the unexpected and the good that happens here too. So yeah, kind of mixed feelings on that one.
I guess in the context of some of the more serious things you were talking about tonight, if it makes you feel any better, I can say this with certainty: I don't really ever have any idea what I really want, either.
C'est la vie, says Jerry Lee.
I'm pretty sure I made two new friends this week. Which is good, I know I pissed off some older ones a little bit. That's ok, one of the better things about people like them is that they have very short memories. Standup guys, even if we annoy eachother sometimes.
I keep seeing this reflection of someone standing behind me in my window out of the corner of my eye. It's just the shadow of my head working in concert with the window. Quite a good illusion, and I keep forgetting about it then startling myself.
You know what else I always forget about that blows my mind whenever I remember?
I have fish on this blog.
Anyway. This game is nearly done. By nearly, I mean I think I may go smoke a cigarette, put in the laundry, shower, smoke a bowl, finish the chapter of one of the cheaper pulp books I'm on, take a little nap because I feel pretty good, then fire it up.
Maybe once I close all these other webpages, shit will go faster too!
But lately I've been sleeping all alone.
I was supposed to have a nice night with the house to myself this evening.
Which is good. The week has been six kinds of shitshow. Seven or eight kinds, really, depending on how inheriently bad you take the events that term refers to to be - much of the week has just been really, really confusing.
I was going to put something else here, but let's maybe do that some other, cheerier day. Everyone is already having "fun" tonight I think.
I was supposed to have a nice night by myself, as it is Lisa's turn to go out with her version of the boys. Unfortunately, the girls are not as interesting as watching me sleep or play video games or something, because that lasted till like 1030.
Lisa is an amazing person, who I don't appreciate half as much as I should. But it's really, really nice to just be by yourself sometimes.
I wish I had some fresh pomegranates.
I'm lousy with advice. This is the wrong thing to be talking to me about, to be honest. My only knowledge of this particular topic is my interest in you, and while I feel safe in saying I'm not biased, it's pretty hard to tell you what I honestly think without seeming to be. I can also draw on my experiences and choices and tell you about them, but you've seen how my relationships turn out, right? And what would seem to be pretty obvious facts about you guys may not be at all the case - I really don't know.
You are more than welcome to, because hey, I'd like to think I could talk to you about that stuff too, and you'd listen. I just think it should be clear that I'm pretty bad at giving opinions on things like this.
Oh well.
I caught up with Mikey again today, and he says the party was all good and that I was in the right in the end. Seems pretty irrelevant when I think about it hard enough, but I did have a pile of fun running that show for a bit.
I'm surprised my head doesn't hurt. Actually, I feel pretty darn good right now, at least in terms of mental clarity. My lungs are killing me, but that's a different mess, really.
Which is good. The week has been six kinds of shitshow. Seven or eight kinds, really, depending on how inheriently bad you take the events that term refers to to be - much of the week has just been really, really confusing.
I was going to put something else here, but let's maybe do that some other, cheerier day. Everyone is already having "fun" tonight I think.
I was supposed to have a nice night by myself, as it is Lisa's turn to go out with her version of the boys. Unfortunately, the girls are not as interesting as watching me sleep or play video games or something, because that lasted till like 1030.
Lisa is an amazing person, who I don't appreciate half as much as I should. But it's really, really nice to just be by yourself sometimes.
I wish I had some fresh pomegranates.
I'm lousy with advice. This is the wrong thing to be talking to me about, to be honest. My only knowledge of this particular topic is my interest in you, and while I feel safe in saying I'm not biased, it's pretty hard to tell you what I honestly think without seeming to be. I can also draw on my experiences and choices and tell you about them, but you've seen how my relationships turn out, right? And what would seem to be pretty obvious facts about you guys may not be at all the case - I really don't know.
You are more than welcome to, because hey, I'd like to think I could talk to you about that stuff too, and you'd listen. I just think it should be clear that I'm pretty bad at giving opinions on things like this.
Oh well.
I caught up with Mikey again today, and he says the party was all good and that I was in the right in the end. Seems pretty irrelevant when I think about it hard enough, but I did have a pile of fun running that show for a bit.
I'm surprised my head doesn't hurt. Actually, I feel pretty darn good right now, at least in terms of mental clarity. My lungs are killing me, but that's a different mess, really.
26.1.14
Well, that whole night took some very unexpected directions.
I find it just a little ironic who liked that status. From what little I know of them, they could stand to grow up a little too. One girl with no concept of how real life works and who really needs to come to terms with reality in oh so many ways. Another one who never has much of anything to say, but likes to act all emo and deep and make it seems like there is something more substantial underneath it all, all the while talking about how honesty is king.
I don't think I'm going to go out with the boys again, not for that kind of thing. Oh well, at least there were some fun parts.
I think I broke my middle knuckle on my index finger. It is sure strangely lumpy, anyway. But I can bend it just find, so I think it's ok.
Yesterday was a bunch of good example as to why I don't really like doing things with people anymore.
I find it just a little ironic who liked that status. From what little I know of them, they could stand to grow up a little too. One girl with no concept of how real life works and who really needs to come to terms with reality in oh so many ways. Another one who never has much of anything to say, but likes to act all emo and deep and make it seems like there is something more substantial underneath it all, all the while talking about how honesty is king.
I don't think I'm going to go out with the boys again, not for that kind of thing. Oh well, at least there were some fun parts.
I think I broke my middle knuckle on my index finger. It is sure strangely lumpy, anyway. But I can bend it just find, so I think it's ok.
Yesterday was a bunch of good example as to why I don't really like doing things with people anymore.
Ask me why I play myself, play myself for a fool.
Wow.
I am like fall over, can't type hammered.
I think it was a good night. I hung out with some cool people. I hung out with some shitty people.
Wow, yeah.
Despite tonight's bullshit, I think I feel pretty good about life.
I did a good thing tonight. It made someone who is very good to me very happy.
Or, at least, I think it did.
I also made a huige ass of myself. I know this was appreciated by certain people. Maybe some more than others.
I like the boys. In general, they are nice, good people who mean really well . In practice, I Have nothing in common with them, and really have trouble relating to them on in any way that seems important.
I don't like this. It all seems so clear right now.
What is wrong with me? Why am I even thinking about any of this.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I can see things for what they are. I KNOW what they are, and do not even try to delude myself.
Life is what it is, and that is what it has always been and always will be.
Fuck, I am in a cruel mood. I know it does not really show.
I am sick of looking after everyone. I am sick of being there to clean up and fix things and make everyone have happy endings. I don't even fucking like people, so why am I always so fucking worried and codependant? Why is it the minute I feel that I don't really have to be, and that everyone can just co-exist and have a good time, everything gets all fucked up?
I don't understand jack shit about things like this.
My best friend in the world right now is a fucking cat, who realizes how shitty I feel and who is nice and close and just fucking there and unconditional and not worried about anything. I don't even like fucking cats. They shit and shed and make a racket and are generally pains in the ass.
You know how I spent my fucking night?
i'll tell you.
I was woken up from a nice fucking sleep with my loving girlfriend on my comfortable couch while watching a show I like after smoking a nice, relaxing bowl.
"Hey dude, let's go pull this fucking douche out of the ditch. We're bringing some other person you really can't stand to be around. You can give me gas money and buy booze and it will be fun."
Well, ok. I am feeling off and shitty and could use a ride to the liquor atore. Yes, this douche is douchy, and I can't stand that other dude, and really, I had kind of a lousy day and would just like to sit with you, my friend, and play video games and not have to do what I know is inevitable.
But you know what? I'm fucking annoyed. I don't want to type all this shit out, because at the end of the day, this writing shit is really more for my benefit than yours, dear reader, and I have done this bullshit enough to know it by heart.
So let's just go to a little while ago. you promised some cokehaed motherfucker that they could come back and party with their douchbag brother, whom I was forced to awake from my nice comfy nap to go yank out of a ditch cause he's a shit driver. They, of course, had to show up with nine other fucking douche cokeheads.
Let's skip farther, because fuck this.
So, two lines and 80 ounces of booze later, here I fucking am. I spent all night looking after your fucking friends. I get to come home to a girl who thinks I'm fucking cheating on her because I can't come back until three or four in the morning because I was busy looking after your ongoing shitshow.
this is my fucking life. Sometimes, I am Ricky. But mostly, I am fucking Julian. For those who don't get what I'm saying here, I am the fucking mom. Everything I do is mpotivated by some outside bullshit source. I'm sick of it.
So while I was planning and hoping to just be a bit drunk and happy and sitting at home thinking sleepy, happy thoughts, instead, I am sitting here annoyed, feeling like shit from the inhuman amount of had liquor I've poured into my body, and wishing that I'd just walked to the liquor store and gotten drunk with the one someone I always feel I can actually relate to - myself.
it's not nearly as fucking depressing as it sounds. After I finished fixing the crackshack, bandaging my fucking knuckles, and clearing the riffraff out of my "best friend's" little shithole before they burned the house down, I got to sit and relax and watch trailer park boys and giggle to some immature shit and just be alone and by myself and enjoy being hammered.
And that was fucking GREAT. I felt like I was being rewarded for making myself act all sober and responsible and looking after a bunch of shit I don't really care about all night. And even that wasn't bad - I think I made a new friend with which I might actually have some profound conversations with sometime in the future. Provided, that is, that I didn't scare him right the fuck off by bombarding him with my best saleman tirade about how coke is bad, despite the fact I'd helped him "dispose of it earlier".
I fucking hate coke. I hate the down. I hate the up. But it will tire you the fuck out. There's something I bet you did not know about me - I used to really, really do DRUGS. Not like, nice drugs like pot of booze, where it's not really that big of deal. I am being completely honest when I say that type of shit is a complete last resort and I have massive regrets about doing it tonight. I have not done that in a long time.
I just knew that the minute shit started getting out of control that I'd either have to relate to these people or just fucking leave. I couldn't leave, because I just can't take another fucking night sitting here doing nothing but talking to myself and writing shit and hanging out wit the cats, and I just can't, can't relate to people.
I think this is pretty fucking evident if you look back through some of these posts. I think...
Well shit. I think I got distracted here. Sometimes you get a curveball.
I think it's just really time to realize that none of this shit really matters, and that it does not need tobe part of my life.
there is more to write, but there's also a worthy distraction. So, this time, I think it will go to the distraction.
No. No no no no no.
You are not seriously going to let yourself have this whiney, emo scenester bullshit conversation with HER, are you? DUDE. LIKE. You would throw rocks at her, what the fuck?
Dude, fuck off. yes, this night has been ridonkulous. Yes, you feel like this and that and all the other.
Yes, you've got that burning, desperate need for SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that fucking MEANS SOMETHING and feels real and solid and can be counted on. I get that. But you HAVE things that your sober self can count on. You HAVE good friends now, even if they cannot hold their liquor. Please don't fall back into this same old shit.
I think I am more sober now. What am I doing? Why does it matter?
blah.
I am like fall over, can't type hammered.
I think it was a good night. I hung out with some cool people. I hung out with some shitty people.
Wow, yeah.
Despite tonight's bullshit, I think I feel pretty good about life.
I did a good thing tonight. It made someone who is very good to me very happy.
Or, at least, I think it did.
I also made a huige ass of myself. I know this was appreciated by certain people. Maybe some more than others.
I like the boys. In general, they are nice, good people who mean really well . In practice, I Have nothing in common with them, and really have trouble relating to them on in any way that seems important.
I don't like this. It all seems so clear right now.
What is wrong with me? Why am I even thinking about any of this.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I can see things for what they are. I KNOW what they are, and do not even try to delude myself.
Life is what it is, and that is what it has always been and always will be.
Fuck, I am in a cruel mood. I know it does not really show.
I am sick of looking after everyone. I am sick of being there to clean up and fix things and make everyone have happy endings. I don't even fucking like people, so why am I always so fucking worried and codependant? Why is it the minute I feel that I don't really have to be, and that everyone can just co-exist and have a good time, everything gets all fucked up?
I don't understand jack shit about things like this.
My best friend in the world right now is a fucking cat, who realizes how shitty I feel and who is nice and close and just fucking there and unconditional and not worried about anything. I don't even like fucking cats. They shit and shed and make a racket and are generally pains in the ass.
You know how I spent my fucking night?
i'll tell you.
I was woken up from a nice fucking sleep with my loving girlfriend on my comfortable couch while watching a show I like after smoking a nice, relaxing bowl.
"Hey dude, let's go pull this fucking douche out of the ditch. We're bringing some other person you really can't stand to be around. You can give me gas money and buy booze and it will be fun."
Well, ok. I am feeling off and shitty and could use a ride to the liquor atore. Yes, this douche is douchy, and I can't stand that other dude, and really, I had kind of a lousy day and would just like to sit with you, my friend, and play video games and not have to do what I know is inevitable.
But you know what? I'm fucking annoyed. I don't want to type all this shit out, because at the end of the day, this writing shit is really more for my benefit than yours, dear reader, and I have done this bullshit enough to know it by heart.
So let's just go to a little while ago. you promised some cokehaed motherfucker that they could come back and party with their douchbag brother, whom I was forced to awake from my nice comfy nap to go yank out of a ditch cause he's a shit driver. They, of course, had to show up with nine other fucking douche cokeheads.
Let's skip farther, because fuck this.
So, two lines and 80 ounces of booze later, here I fucking am. I spent all night looking after your fucking friends. I get to come home to a girl who thinks I'm fucking cheating on her because I can't come back until three or four in the morning because I was busy looking after your ongoing shitshow.
this is my fucking life. Sometimes, I am Ricky. But mostly, I am fucking Julian. For those who don't get what I'm saying here, I am the fucking mom. Everything I do is mpotivated by some outside bullshit source. I'm sick of it.
So while I was planning and hoping to just be a bit drunk and happy and sitting at home thinking sleepy, happy thoughts, instead, I am sitting here annoyed, feeling like shit from the inhuman amount of had liquor I've poured into my body, and wishing that I'd just walked to the liquor store and gotten drunk with the one someone I always feel I can actually relate to - myself.
it's not nearly as fucking depressing as it sounds. After I finished fixing the crackshack, bandaging my fucking knuckles, and clearing the riffraff out of my "best friend's" little shithole before they burned the house down, I got to sit and relax and watch trailer park boys and giggle to some immature shit and just be alone and by myself and enjoy being hammered.
And that was fucking GREAT. I felt like I was being rewarded for making myself act all sober and responsible and looking after a bunch of shit I don't really care about all night. And even that wasn't bad - I think I made a new friend with which I might actually have some profound conversations with sometime in the future. Provided, that is, that I didn't scare him right the fuck off by bombarding him with my best saleman tirade about how coke is bad, despite the fact I'd helped him "dispose of it earlier".
I fucking hate coke. I hate the down. I hate the up. But it will tire you the fuck out. There's something I bet you did not know about me - I used to really, really do DRUGS. Not like, nice drugs like pot of booze, where it's not really that big of deal. I am being completely honest when I say that type of shit is a complete last resort and I have massive regrets about doing it tonight. I have not done that in a long time.
I just knew that the minute shit started getting out of control that I'd either have to relate to these people or just fucking leave. I couldn't leave, because I just can't take another fucking night sitting here doing nothing but talking to myself and writing shit and hanging out wit the cats, and I just can't, can't relate to people.
I think this is pretty fucking evident if you look back through some of these posts. I think...
Well shit. I think I got distracted here. Sometimes you get a curveball.
I think it's just really time to realize that none of this shit really matters, and that it does not need tobe part of my life.
there is more to write, but there's also a worthy distraction. So, this time, I think it will go to the distraction.
No. No no no no no.
You are not seriously going to let yourself have this whiney, emo scenester bullshit conversation with HER, are you? DUDE. LIKE. You would throw rocks at her, what the fuck?
Dude, fuck off. yes, this night has been ridonkulous. Yes, you feel like this and that and all the other.
Yes, you've got that burning, desperate need for SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that fucking MEANS SOMETHING and feels real and solid and can be counted on. I get that. But you HAVE things that your sober self can count on. You HAVE good friends now, even if they cannot hold their liquor. Please don't fall back into this same old shit.
I think I am more sober now. What am I doing? Why does it matter?
blah.
25.1.14
Aliis si licet, tibi non licet
"Hi there, sailor!"
I can't believe I still had a picture of her, and a very flattering one at that. Note that despite the fact she is standing in this picture and is not much taller than the bed, and generally presents a pretty innocent air, the crazy eyes are quite evident.
I do not have the time to tell this story right now - the minute the boys get home, I'm heading over there and enacting my plan of getting "make mistakes" hammered. They are great guys to drink with. But more to come tonight.
In a little more direct response to your blog, I'm not sure why you always find yourself on the end of affections. I mean, I can speak for myself and feel that I could put forward a few good theories as to the others, and could maybe share why I think certain people find me somewhat appealing for perspective, but perhaps you're just a very likeable person. Sorry, I guess.
Netflix is so full of weird shows right now.
Smokin' crack cocaine make you crrrazy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
