Hi Simon,
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry I got mad at you all the time and said I was tired of having cats. You were just overly affectionate and it can be annoying to be trying to play a game, and have you plop down on my lap looking for belly rubs right when I'm in the middle of some kind of climatic event.
I'm sorry I didn't love you up as much as the bear.
I'm sorry I didn't fix the back door so it would close properly. In my defense, it turns out it's so broken now that it won't close even after it's fixed. Anyway, I'm sorry it allowed that big, asshat of a stray cat to get into our house, and attack you and bear.
I'm sorry your Mom and I lingered at my parents for just a bit too long and missed that whole show.
I'm sorry we never let you out before. Maybe you'd know what to do if you weren't such an inside cat.
I'm really sorry I couldn't find you. I looked EVERYWHERE little bud, but you're just such a quick kitty and such a good hider than I just couldn't find you. Sure annoyed all the neighbours around though, chasing paw prints through their backyards and under their sheds.
I hope that Lisa is right and you'll come back, even though I know she isn't. You aren't clever enough to find your way home from too far away, and no matter which prints were yours, it took me six hours to follow them all, and they all went really, really far away.
I hope if you are ok right now, that you know to find somewhere warm and stay hidden when it gets darker out. I hope that you can stop yourself from being such a loving, friendly little guy when you hear the coyotes in the ravine calling tonight.
I hope you feel safe and excited about this new adventure, and not scared and alone, and that if you die, you just go to sleep knowing that you were and are part of my little family, and that we all love you and miss you. I've never had a pet I've loved as much as I love you and Bear.
It's too cold for me to wait outside for you anymore, so if you do come back, please meow and make your Simon noises. My window is open, and Little Bear has been sitting by the back door ever since you left. One of us will hear you and let you in, I promise.
If you don't, then I am really, really sorry. I was supposed to look after you and take care of you and make sure you have a happy, love-filled life, and I failed you horribly.
Steve
10.2.14
6.2.14
My dad copied his music library for me. He generally has pretty good music.
I stumbled opon this while reading a book and reclining on the couch.
I'm pretty sure it's by the guy who played chef on South Park.
My first thought was that I don't want to think too hard as to why this is in my Dad's library. My second thought was "Who's the cool cat who's gonna get Miss Kimmy AAALLLLL up on his Jimmy?"
My third was "He's a complicated Jew, and no one understands him but his mother... cause he's a bad mother!"
My fourth was "My, Shaft has been knocked off a lot."
Nitz!
Anyway, obviously this is what I'm going to listen to on my way to work tomorrow.
The 70s had some weird music in general. I mean, I'd get it if the times were more like how they are portrayed on TV, with everyone being fucking stoned out of their minds at all times, but otherwise, what the hell 1970s?
How can you like this much cowbell all the goddamn time without being just fucking ruined?
And like, what is this all about now?
Lyrics:
In the white room with black curtains near the station.
Black-roof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings.
Silver horses run down moonbeams in your dark eyes.
Dawn-light smiles on you leaving, my contentment.
I'll wait in this place where the sun never shines;
Wait in this place where the shadows run from themselves.
You said no strings could secure you at the station.
Platform ticket, restless diesels, goodbye windows.
I walked into such a sad time at the station.
As I walked out, felt my own need just beginning.
I'll wait in the queue when the trains come back;
Lie with you where the shadows run from themselves.
At the party she was kindness in the hard crowd.
Consolation for the old wound now forgotten.
Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her dark eyes.
She's just dressing, goodbye windows, tired starlings.
I'll sleep in this place with the lonely crowd;
Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves.
Like. Never in my life, acid or shrooms or anything like that, been fucked up enough to understand those words. And I understand all kinds of things that aren't even supposed to make sense when I'm on acid. It's catchy enough, but gads.
I stumbled opon this while reading a book and reclining on the couch.
I'm pretty sure it's by the guy who played chef on South Park.
My first thought was that I don't want to think too hard as to why this is in my Dad's library. My second thought was "Who's the cool cat who's gonna get Miss Kimmy AAALLLLL up on his Jimmy?"
My third was "He's a complicated Jew, and no one understands him but his mother... cause he's a bad mother!"
My fourth was "My, Shaft has been knocked off a lot."
Nitz!
Anyway, obviously this is what I'm going to listen to on my way to work tomorrow.
The 70s had some weird music in general. I mean, I'd get it if the times were more like how they are portrayed on TV, with everyone being fucking stoned out of their minds at all times, but otherwise, what the hell 1970s?
How can you like this much cowbell all the goddamn time without being just fucking ruined?
And like, what is this all about now?
Lyrics:
In the white room with black curtains near the station.
Black-roof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings.
Silver horses run down moonbeams in your dark eyes.
Dawn-light smiles on you leaving, my contentment.
I'll wait in this place where the sun never shines;
Wait in this place where the shadows run from themselves.
You said no strings could secure you at the station.
Platform ticket, restless diesels, goodbye windows.
I walked into such a sad time at the station.
As I walked out, felt my own need just beginning.
I'll wait in the queue when the trains come back;
Lie with you where the shadows run from themselves.
At the party she was kindness in the hard crowd.
Consolation for the old wound now forgotten.
Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her dark eyes.
She's just dressing, goodbye windows, tired starlings.
I'll sleep in this place with the lonely crowd;
Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves.
Like. Never in my life, acid or shrooms or anything like that, been fucked up enough to understand those words. And I understand all kinds of things that aren't even supposed to make sense when I'm on acid. It's catchy enough, but gads.
You can click on it to make it bigger
So, I think my little point about the internet has been well proven.
About two weeks ago, I started up two blogs on the anonymous blogging site. Don't bother looking for them, they are now gone as they have served their purposes and were both unbearingly dull, and maybe a little embarassing.
On one blog, I basically copied and pasted very informative articles and interesting information about things in general, and did not talk at all about my personal life. I actively commented on multiple blogs, became a follower to as many people as possible, and generally tried to put myself out there as much as possible. I posted at least three or four posts a day, ensuring I had good coverage of the front page.
On the other blog, I did something far more entertaining, and far less potentially criminal than it sounds: I pretended to be a 15 year old girl. I posted nothing of any real substance, but instead kept my posts grammatically mediocre, related to a boy and some bitches and things along those lines, and posted about twice a day, with one post consisting of a short little blurb, and the other of a long bitch session about how this guy wouldn't like me, or that girl is such a whore, or what have you. Really, this was quite easy as I just had to read a few of the other blogs on the site to get in the proper mindset. I did not comment elsewhere and favorited only a few "similar souls".
As I kind of figured but had hoped against, after these two weeks, my more intelligent and interesting blog has no comments and seven follows for 38 posts.
For my 20 post effort, the last being written today and stating something to the effect of I would no longer be blogging because it interfered with me cutting myself, I got the above picture.
I wonder what the inventors of the internet would say if they could see this.
2.2.14
I had something all different written out.
Then I got to looking at some old pictures, and instead decided to inform you that should I ever become an author, this picture:
of me getting drunk in the Goodwill Hunting cabin while reading Stephen King's desperation is what should go on the back of the book.
I also saw this picture:
Which was taken, I believe, during the excellent summer of 2010. And it got me thinking that
Logan was right, the pizza girl had both an annoying laugh, and was hitting on me something fierce. And I have no idea why. I don't even REMEMBER looking as in shape as I do in the above pic - I remember myself as always being pudgy. And while I apparently looked decent enough back then, I'm kind of bulbous now, no if and or buts, and don't really see why some random girl who is not wholly unattractive would decide there's something appealing about a bikerbearded fat dude. The logical assumption is that she was looking for a bigger tip, but frankly, she was not THAT pretty either, and it seems unlikely that angle would work on everyone.
Anyway. I think I'd like to get into a little bit better shape. Not because of the pizza girl or because I feel too out of shape (though I am), but because I didn't realize how unpleasantly different I look now than I did back in the day.
Should be fun.
Then I saw THESE pictures, and I realized that
1. I don't miss drinking all the time all THAT much when I really stop to think about it.
2. There are a frightening number of pictures of me in various girlfriend's clothes out there, despite the fact that it's not really a fetish for me, and that I find I'm unable to remember why that seems to be the case.
Yessir.
Then I got to looking at some old pictures, and instead decided to inform you that should I ever become an author, this picture:
of me getting drunk in the Goodwill Hunting cabin while reading Stephen King's desperation is what should go on the back of the book.
I also saw this picture:
Which was taken, I believe, during the excellent summer of 2010. And it got me thinking that
Logan was right, the pizza girl had both an annoying laugh, and was hitting on me something fierce. And I have no idea why. I don't even REMEMBER looking as in shape as I do in the above pic - I remember myself as always being pudgy. And while I apparently looked decent enough back then, I'm kind of bulbous now, no if and or buts, and don't really see why some random girl who is not wholly unattractive would decide there's something appealing about a bikerbearded fat dude. The logical assumption is that she was looking for a bigger tip, but frankly, she was not THAT pretty either, and it seems unlikely that angle would work on everyone.
Anyway. I think I'd like to get into a little bit better shape. Not because of the pizza girl or because I feel too out of shape (though I am), but because I didn't realize how unpleasantly different I look now than I did back in the day.
Should be fun.
Then I saw THESE pictures, and I realized that
1. I don't miss drinking all the time all THAT much when I really stop to think about it.
2. There are a frightening number of pictures of me in various girlfriend's clothes out there, despite the fact that it's not really a fetish for me, and that I find I'm unable to remember why that seems to be the case.
Yessir.
31.1.14
It's a small world anyway, so I'll just let the music play
(play like you're young Tom Petty. Little country, little rock)
I ain't trying to take very long,
But the past rolled in today.
One minute, it's better than fine
In the next, here comes the rain!
Sometimes I just don't understand
How that woman gets me so bad
Plays with my mind and makes me a friend
With the light of day
(break here, bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
As the time goes past
(and again, with filler)
(lead into solo)
And she might not of been my friend
And I know I didn't love her
So why did it hurt so bad
When she left with another
Just another day
In a life long dry,
But I lost some real good friends
When she walked out
(bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
Helps the time go past.
(slide out)
(lots of slide, very oldschool country)
For the last few weeks now
I've been running on empty
Passing from place to place
Where I don't want to be
Ain't seen no service station
That sells rejuvenation
None of these highway towns got anything for me
And someday, I'll settle down
But not right here,
maybe the next town
But until then, I'll just keep rolling
I don't even know where I'm going
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as it's coming
A downhill slide
Tell you where I wanna go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
Girl I loved somewhere behind me
She never even cried
She said I lost direction,
And to me, she never lied
She said she'd be waiting for me
If I ever get back
But from where I sit, this road I'm on
is looking like a one way track.
This road is a lonely old highway
There ain't nobody going my way
Low sun and I'm going fast
Cause I'm just about out of gas
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as a purpose
A downhill slide
Take me where I want to go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
The wind blew me down the road
Grabbed the wheel and took control
Just might take me all the way
To mexico
To Mexico.
(Slide out)
You ask me what I'm doing here,
In your perfect world
I walk around like I have no fear
And you think I'm a child
You say you like the smoke and mirrors
You'd like to think it's all real
Stepping out on a Saturday night
Only night time will tell
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo)
We ain't looking for a sold out show
We're just making the best
Not rich, but we've got the flow
And it comes from the West
(guitar breakdown, yo)
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
Got to thinking about the job at hand
The future's looking bright
Love the change and the brand new thing,
And it feels so right.
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo your fucking heart out. Really, do so for the whole song so long as the intro riff starts right and picks up after each verse)
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
Driving home from your place
I can still see the tears on her face
Falling like rain from that red sky
Looking back now I see
The message you were sending me
"never set sail into the storm"
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On the times that I've missed
Don't walk away,
Just give me one more day
Knowing that it will be okay
Feeling like I'd never
Forget about us together
Sitting on the edge of your bed
And trying not to think ahead
Listening to the rain fall coming down
Trying hard not to hold you tight
Not to let it go any further in the night
For when the morning breaks
I won't be around
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On and think about times that I've missed
Can't walk away,
Just give me one more day
No, it not "will be ok"
Never mind the weather
Forget about us together
One more bottle to wash us down
One more night of hell
Can't walk away
Just give me one more day
I know that tonight would be ok.
Never mind the weather
It's forgetting about us together
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
(intro)
You always liked it
When I used to say
"I can see this coming from a mile away"
Once meant to be
And never meant to last
It was a wild ride
That ended much too fast
Old River Station
Just west of the border
The pumps were soda'd
And the phone was out of order
Six hundred miles
And I can still see your face
As I started the car
And drove away
As I shake my head
I'm just realizing
The extra mile
Is just on the horizon
With 25 miles to go
To the place I'm dreaming of
Since long before I ever fell into this insane love
(outro)
No Steven timeline, because I'm too tired to think well right now. So there's... something else, anyway. I think I'd like to be in a band again someday.
I found these and others in a horrible, drunken journal from last year and the year before, what shall now be dubbed the "Bri Period" of my personal history. I'd like to say I wrote them because I actually think they'd make damn catchy songs, but I remember the music that goes with them and how they are supposed to be sung so vividly that they are probably actually already damn catchy songs by some really obscure band that I found, really enjoyed, and forgot about while hammered. Google tells me nothing unfortunately, the useless twat, because I think I'd very much like to rediscover this band. This is also supported by the fact that I KNOW these are kind of country-ish songs (except for the last, which is jazzy blues and was written as a really, really long sentence. I've put in breaks where I remember there being instrumentals), and it just seems implausible I would spawn a bunch of country music, because no matter how bad it gets, life is NEVER that bad, and by the fact that I don't have much of a singing voice.
Someday, when I'm really drunk and depressed, maybe I will sing you a song. I can just about guarantee it will be Irish, or a rap. And that you will be forced to accompany me on whatever objects in the nearby area seem like plausible instruments. Just a heads up.
I ain't trying to take very long,
But the past rolled in today.
One minute, it's better than fine
In the next, here comes the rain!
Sometimes I just don't understand
How that woman gets me so bad
Plays with my mind and makes me a friend
With the light of day
(break here, bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
As the time goes past
(and again, with filler)
(lead into solo)
And she might not of been my friend
And I know I didn't love her
So why did it hurt so bad
When she left with another
Just another day
In a life long dry,
But I lost some real good friends
When she walked out
(bridge)
Drinking whiskey from this damned old dirty glass
Making time stand still
Helps the time go past.
(slide out)
(lots of slide, very oldschool country)
For the last few weeks now
I've been running on empty
Passing from place to place
Where I don't want to be
Ain't seen no service station
That sells rejuvenation
None of these highway towns got anything for me
And someday, I'll settle down
But not right here,
maybe the next town
But until then, I'll just keep rolling
I don't even know where I'm going
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as it's coming
A downhill slide
Tell you where I wanna go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
Girl I loved somewhere behind me
She never even cried
She said I lost direction,
And to me, she never lied
She said she'd be waiting for me
If I ever get back
But from where I sit, this road I'm on
is looking like a one way track.
This road is a lonely old highway
There ain't nobody going my way
Low sun and I'm going fast
Cause I'm just about out of gas
But I've got it in
Mexican Overdrive
Keeping me alive
Taking it as a purpose
A downhill slide
Take me where I want to go
Somewhere south that's all I know
Just might make it all the way
To Mexico
The wind blew me down the road
Grabbed the wheel and took control
Just might take me all the way
To mexico
To Mexico.
(Slide out)
You ask me what I'm doing here,
In your perfect world
I walk around like I have no fear
And you think I'm a child
You say you like the smoke and mirrors
You'd like to think it's all real
Stepping out on a Saturday night
Only night time will tell
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo)
We ain't looking for a sold out show
We're just making the best
Not rich, but we've got the flow
And it comes from the West
(guitar breakdown, yo)
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
Got to thinking about the job at hand
The future's looking bright
Love the change and the brand new thing,
And it feels so right.
This ain't a perfect world just yet
You ain't satisfied until the end
You're a whole lot of trouble
That I'd love to regret
(solo your fucking heart out. Really, do so for the whole song so long as the intro riff starts right and picks up after each verse)
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
Driving home from your place
I can still see the tears on her face
Falling like rain from that red sky
Looking back now I see
The message you were sending me
"never set sail into the storm"
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On the times that I've missed
Don't walk away,
Just give me one more day
Knowing that it will be okay
Feeling like I'd never
Forget about us together
Sitting on the edge of your bed
And trying not to think ahead
Listening to the rain fall coming down
Trying hard not to hold you tight
Not to let it go any further in the night
For when the morning breaks
I won't be around
But I know that I'd do it again
Because I know I can't resist
I don't want to look back
On and think about times that I've missed
Can't walk away,
Just give me one more day
No, it not "will be ok"
Never mind the weather
Forget about us together
One more bottle to wash us down
One more night of hell
Can't walk away
Just give me one more day
I know that tonight would be ok.
Never mind the weather
It's forgetting about us together
Must have missed the warning
Yesterday morning
Sailor's sky rolls around again
(intro)
You always liked it
When I used to say
"I can see this coming from a mile away"
Once meant to be
And never meant to last
It was a wild ride
That ended much too fast
Old River Station
Just west of the border
The pumps were soda'd
And the phone was out of order
Six hundred miles
And I can still see your face
As I started the car
And drove away
As I shake my head
I'm just realizing
The extra mile
Is just on the horizon
With 25 miles to go
To the place I'm dreaming of
Since long before I ever fell into this insane love
(outro)
No Steven timeline, because I'm too tired to think well right now. So there's... something else, anyway. I think I'd like to be in a band again someday.
I found these and others in a horrible, drunken journal from last year and the year before, what shall now be dubbed the "Bri Period" of my personal history. I'd like to say I wrote them because I actually think they'd make damn catchy songs, but I remember the music that goes with them and how they are supposed to be sung so vividly that they are probably actually already damn catchy songs by some really obscure band that I found, really enjoyed, and forgot about while hammered. Google tells me nothing unfortunately, the useless twat, because I think I'd very much like to rediscover this band. This is also supported by the fact that I KNOW these are kind of country-ish songs (except for the last, which is jazzy blues and was written as a really, really long sentence. I've put in breaks where I remember there being instrumentals), and it just seems implausible I would spawn a bunch of country music, because no matter how bad it gets, life is NEVER that bad, and by the fact that I don't have much of a singing voice.
Someday, when I'm really drunk and depressed, maybe I will sing you a song. I can just about guarantee it will be Irish, or a rap. And that you will be forced to accompany me on whatever objects in the nearby area seem like plausible instruments. Just a heads up.
29.1.14
There is an old chinese curse....
Back in the day, just before mainstream music lost really any sense of purpose or meaning beyond "I wanna fuck ya" or "I wish you wanted to fuck me", songs actually meant something.
In twilight of these times, a pretty clever and talented guy named Billy Joel wrote a lot of very corny 1980s anthems, and one incredibly catchy tune, which I'm sure you recognize:
Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I hear a song like this, which is obviously supposed to have some meaning to it, I HAVE to know what it's all about.
So, I googled it up, and found an interview in which he says that one of his friends was talking about how nothing exciting had happened in their lifetimes, and that they'd missed all the really interesting stuff. This got him thinking about all the shit that had happened in his lifetime, and how people kind of forget about it. So, he wrote a song detailing everything that was a big thing throughout the decades in his life. The second verse, for example, roughly details the 1950s, the third the 1960s, and so on.
Being me, I spent most of last night looking up these events, and I have to agree with Mr. Joel - a lot fucking happens all the time, even if you don't realize it.
So, I was going to write up a blog about shit that's happened in my life time. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think I really hurt my hand the other night, and don't much feel like typing this all out right now. But it's still an interesting thought, and I'd like to maybe do something later. so this is more of a reminder than anything.
The old Chinese curse is "May you live in exciting times", the theory being that nothing negative happens if nothing is happening at all.
In twilight of these times, a pretty clever and talented guy named Billy Joel wrote a lot of very corny 1980s anthems, and one incredibly catchy tune, which I'm sure you recognize:
Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I hear a song like this, which is obviously supposed to have some meaning to it, I HAVE to know what it's all about.
So, I googled it up, and found an interview in which he says that one of his friends was talking about how nothing exciting had happened in their lifetimes, and that they'd missed all the really interesting stuff. This got him thinking about all the shit that had happened in his lifetime, and how people kind of forget about it. So, he wrote a song detailing everything that was a big thing throughout the decades in his life. The second verse, for example, roughly details the 1950s, the third the 1960s, and so on.
Being me, I spent most of last night looking up these events, and I have to agree with Mr. Joel - a lot fucking happens all the time, even if you don't realize it.
So, I was going to write up a blog about shit that's happened in my life time. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think I really hurt my hand the other night, and don't much feel like typing this all out right now. But it's still an interesting thought, and I'd like to maybe do something later. so this is more of a reminder than anything.
The old Chinese curse is "May you live in exciting times", the theory being that nothing negative happens if nothing is happening at all.
27.1.14
The T, it stands for treason. The D, it stands for doubt. But maybe I just use too much.
And don't even get me fucking started on steam. I paid like nine bucks for this shit and grew grey hairs waiting for it to download, so why is it not coming with updates all in? I should not have to wait like this to go mass murder photonic beings.
Bear, you smell like a pile of ass. Or maybe that's me. I haven't showered in a while and certain made a decent a mess as I could of last night.
This is one of those rare times when I really don't feel like writing and have nothing to say, but have nothing else to do, either. I can't play video games, or my steam updating will stop and I won't be able to play the one I want.
I could go for a walk, but it's six in the morning and walking back will be uphill no matter which direction I take.
I could maybe go over to Sally's if she's up and smoke a joint with her, but I don't really feel up to it, and I don't think Lisa would like me out or over there at this early an hour.
Anyway. What I will do is sit here and listen to Sublime and write stuff and maybe try to figure out what smells so bad.
I wish I were tired, but I spent most of the night on the couch, passed out in front of the TV. The other night really did exhaust me.
This is horribly boring. LeSigh and shit. Tonight (or this morning, rather) is going to be one of those crushingly depressing nights where I just feel like shit for no reason besides being able to. I need to get out of here and go distract myself somehow, but have no idea how or why or what to do about it.
I could get drunk, I guess. I mean, it's six in the morning, but it's not like anyone would know or judge. Except maybe Lisa, but I don't think she'd really care too much.
I'm surprised I didn't have the shakes today. I'm actually REALLY surprised how good I felt for the day.
Oh look, nearly done.
This Kaluha is fucking awful. Why do we have so much of it? Why is there not vodka? Am I really living in a house with no vodka?
I think I know what I really need here, and pot and shitty girl drinks are a poor substitute for it. substitutes for anything kind of suck, really - there is not much point to anything if it's not the real thing. I can gurantee that "it" is not at all what you are probably thinking here - I frankly don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not a person, place, or thing. Otherwise, I'd do there, do that, or see them, or whatever. No, it's far more intangible than that, and thus much much harder to go out and get.
Wow, that booze worked wayyy too good at cheering me up. I take it back. It's a fucking awesome substitute for whatever feeling or experience I'm craving right now. That was like a total three second change right there - when you read this later, then look back through our conversation, you should be able to see the exact second it happened pretty clearly. I'm still fucking bored, but now cheery bored and much easier to self-entertain. Yay!
I like that he^, myself, and nearly everyone I know has a coffee table exactly like that - littered with shit and ashes. Must be part of the "lifestyle".
I don't even know what lifestyle that would be. Bunch of lazy drunks and stoners, I guess.
I think it's a very unfulfilling but usually entertaining way to live, personally. What's more important in life, accomplishing great things, or just having an entertaining time? Are you stuck picking one or the other? I guess it kind of comes down to individual values and what you see as important.
I think my fundamental priority is to not drive myself nuts or let myself go crazy. To that end, I find it somewhat irrelevant as to how that's accomplished - sometimes, some ways will seem nicer than others, but I doubt more and more that it really has anything to do with those things being any inherently better than just smoking some pot or having a drink, I just do them less frequently and thus miss them.
I think a lot of people see that kind of stuff as bad because it prevents you from enjoying life and doing things. I would disagree with that. While it certainly prevents me from doing much with other people sometimes, I am pretty capable of doing a lot around the house. I've got lots of hobbies.
And as much as it never makes it into these blogs, there is lots of the unexpected and the good that happens here too. So yeah, kind of mixed feelings on that one.
I guess in the context of some of the more serious things you were talking about tonight, if it makes you feel any better, I can say this with certainty: I don't really ever have any idea what I really want, either.
C'est la vie, says Jerry Lee.
I'm pretty sure I made two new friends this week. Which is good, I know I pissed off some older ones a little bit. That's ok, one of the better things about people like them is that they have very short memories. Standup guys, even if we annoy eachother sometimes.
I keep seeing this reflection of someone standing behind me in my window out of the corner of my eye. It's just the shadow of my head working in concert with the window. Quite a good illusion, and I keep forgetting about it then startling myself.
You know what else I always forget about that blows my mind whenever I remember?
I have fish on this blog.
Anyway. This game is nearly done. By nearly, I mean I think I may go smoke a cigarette, put in the laundry, shower, smoke a bowl, finish the chapter of one of the cheaper pulp books I'm on, take a little nap because I feel pretty good, then fire it up.
Maybe once I close all these other webpages, shit will go faster too!
Bear, you smell like a pile of ass. Or maybe that's me. I haven't showered in a while and certain made a decent a mess as I could of last night.
This is one of those rare times when I really don't feel like writing and have nothing to say, but have nothing else to do, either. I can't play video games, or my steam updating will stop and I won't be able to play the one I want.
I could go for a walk, but it's six in the morning and walking back will be uphill no matter which direction I take.
I could maybe go over to Sally's if she's up and smoke a joint with her, but I don't really feel up to it, and I don't think Lisa would like me out or over there at this early an hour.
Anyway. What I will do is sit here and listen to Sublime and write stuff and maybe try to figure out what smells so bad.
I wish I were tired, but I spent most of the night on the couch, passed out in front of the TV. The other night really did exhaust me.
This is horribly boring. LeSigh and shit. Tonight (or this morning, rather) is going to be one of those crushingly depressing nights where I just feel like shit for no reason besides being able to. I need to get out of here and go distract myself somehow, but have no idea how or why or what to do about it.
I could get drunk, I guess. I mean, it's six in the morning, but it's not like anyone would know or judge. Except maybe Lisa, but I don't think she'd really care too much.
I'm surprised I didn't have the shakes today. I'm actually REALLY surprised how good I felt for the day.
Oh look, nearly done.
This Kaluha is fucking awful. Why do we have so much of it? Why is there not vodka? Am I really living in a house with no vodka?
I think I know what I really need here, and pot and shitty girl drinks are a poor substitute for it. substitutes for anything kind of suck, really - there is not much point to anything if it's not the real thing. I can gurantee that "it" is not at all what you are probably thinking here - I frankly don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not a person, place, or thing. Otherwise, I'd do there, do that, or see them, or whatever. No, it's far more intangible than that, and thus much much harder to go out and get.
Wow, that booze worked wayyy too good at cheering me up. I take it back. It's a fucking awesome substitute for whatever feeling or experience I'm craving right now. That was like a total three second change right there - when you read this later, then look back through our conversation, you should be able to see the exact second it happened pretty clearly. I'm still fucking bored, but now cheery bored and much easier to self-entertain. Yay!
I like that he^, myself, and nearly everyone I know has a coffee table exactly like that - littered with shit and ashes. Must be part of the "lifestyle".
I don't even know what lifestyle that would be. Bunch of lazy drunks and stoners, I guess.
I think it's a very unfulfilling but usually entertaining way to live, personally. What's more important in life, accomplishing great things, or just having an entertaining time? Are you stuck picking one or the other? I guess it kind of comes down to individual values and what you see as important.
I think my fundamental priority is to not drive myself nuts or let myself go crazy. To that end, I find it somewhat irrelevant as to how that's accomplished - sometimes, some ways will seem nicer than others, but I doubt more and more that it really has anything to do with those things being any inherently better than just smoking some pot or having a drink, I just do them less frequently and thus miss them.
I think a lot of people see that kind of stuff as bad because it prevents you from enjoying life and doing things. I would disagree with that. While it certainly prevents me from doing much with other people sometimes, I am pretty capable of doing a lot around the house. I've got lots of hobbies.
And as much as it never makes it into these blogs, there is lots of the unexpected and the good that happens here too. So yeah, kind of mixed feelings on that one.
I guess in the context of some of the more serious things you were talking about tonight, if it makes you feel any better, I can say this with certainty: I don't really ever have any idea what I really want, either.
C'est la vie, says Jerry Lee.
I'm pretty sure I made two new friends this week. Which is good, I know I pissed off some older ones a little bit. That's ok, one of the better things about people like them is that they have very short memories. Standup guys, even if we annoy eachother sometimes.
I keep seeing this reflection of someone standing behind me in my window out of the corner of my eye. It's just the shadow of my head working in concert with the window. Quite a good illusion, and I keep forgetting about it then startling myself.
You know what else I always forget about that blows my mind whenever I remember?
I have fish on this blog.
Anyway. This game is nearly done. By nearly, I mean I think I may go smoke a cigarette, put in the laundry, shower, smoke a bowl, finish the chapter of one of the cheaper pulp books I'm on, take a little nap because I feel pretty good, then fire it up.
Maybe once I close all these other webpages, shit will go faster too!
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