My Three Step Program to Improve You, Your Life, and Anything Else You Can Think Of.

I don't really understand "12-step programs" to combat addictions. I mean, yeah, it's great to do good and all, but you're trying to kick your habit, not nessicarily fix your life completely. And even if you were, do you really need twelve steps that basically say the same shit over and over?

This is the original AA 12-step program, copied from the wiki:


1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Apparently, the only way to stop drinking or doing drugs has nothing to do with actually quitting, at least according to AA, and has everything to do with converting and becoming a good little Christian, or what have you. This type of thing, plus the chips and braclets and all that other junk seem to be a little excessive to me.

I personally follow a much simpler program when I need to quit something, which I've dubbed the Much Simpler Program When I Need To Quit Something. It's also a pretty complicated and involved process, which I will detail below:

1. Quit doing drugs.

Stop doing drugs. Stop buying drugs. Stop hanging out with people whom you have nothing in common with but drugs, which will likely be most of your friends by this point. Once you've managed that, proceed to step two.


2. Continue to not do drugs.

This is the most important step in the process. Be sure to remember to not do more drugs. Though this might seem complex and confusing compared to the 12 steps, it's actually rather simple. Once you've managed to continue not doing drugs, move on to step three.



3. Die.

If you've managed to successfully complete step two, all that's really left to do is die at the end of your lifespan. Congratulations!


This highly advanced program can also be applied to other issues in your life. For example, if you have an intense disliking of gay people, the 3 step process can help you deal with the pressures of being surrounded by faggy emo kids all the time. I call this particular program The 3 Step Process To Help You Deal With The Pressures Of Being Surrounded By Faggy Emo Kids All The Time.

1. Don't be gay.

This is the first step in maintaining your cool. If you dislike homosexuals, you should make a point to insure you aren't one, or you will have to apply my three step program to your self-esteem issues first. Try to avoid situations which involve you sodomizing another man, or wearing clothes that make you feel feminine. Proceed to step two.



2. Don't worry about it.

The next step is to simply not worry about it. If you are not gay, the chances of you having to deal with a cock in your ass are pretty slim. While you might still be slightly uncomfortable around gay men, and perhaps concerned that they are constantly looking at your package or otherwise checking you out, try to remember that you (most likely) don't even have a girlfriend, and it's pretty likely most gay people find you unattractive too. If you cannot shake the feeling that dudes are constantly trying to give you a hard rogering, make sure you are not in a gay bar or other similar establishment.

3. Die.

If you've successfully completed the first two steps, insuring that you are not gay, and not being too worried about other people being gay, the odds are you have completed your life without having a todger thrust down your throat, and without having a nervous breakdown because people that are different from you exist. Congratulations!


Not only can my program deal with issues like this, but it can also lead you to success in other areas. Take, for example, my three step program to becoming a famous artist, which I like to call My Three Step Program To Becoming A Famous Artist:

1. Buy some art supplies.

As with all my programs, the first step is an intergral part of the process. Art supplies include macaroni, paints, pencils, old National Geograpics, canvases, blood, and feces. Find a supplier who can give you exactly what you want, and try to find a medium that suits you. Once you have a feel for what you'd like to do, move on to step two.

2. Make some famous art.

The most important step in becoming a famous artist is to make some famous art. This may take some brainstorming, as most famous art has already been made by already famous artists. Once you've made your incredible, mind blowing famous art, proceed to step three.



3. Die

It's common knowledge that even the best art looks like an overpriced piece of shit until the artist is dead. This step is incredibly important - it turns that shit and blood smeared picture of your ex-girlfriend from stinky-yet-creepy state's evidence into brilliant, game changing famous art. Once you've completed step three, you can finally start reaping the rewards of being a famous artist. Congratulations!


My revolutionary, groundbreaking program can also apply to things like keeping your friend Steven entertained because he's super fucking bored. Take, for example, the following program, which I like to call My Three Step Program For Keeping Your Friend Steven Entertained Because He's Super Fucking Bored:

1. Write a blog.

Writing a blog is a good way to entertain Steven, as he has very little reading material available, and reading is one of the few things that can be done repeatedly without quickly growing dull.

2. Seriously, update your fucking blog.

Reading takes Steven an average of about 30 to 60 seconds in regards to an average paper-back novel sized page. While that may not seem like much time out of a twenty four hour day, keep in mind that things like grand theft auto can occupy up to 23.9 of those hours, with the amount of actual mental stimulation required amounting to the remaining 0.1. Blogging everyday, irregardless of how uninteresting it may seem, is a vital aspect of entertaining your friend Steven.



3. Die

While it's not exactly part of the entertainment program, dying is a part of life, and you should probably accept it's inevitability before you get old and start the process (see my upcoming Three Step Program On How To Get Old And Die). In addition to being an eventuallity, it also makes for a convinent and easy third step in what would otherwise be an incomplete two step only program. And we all know two steps just aren't enough!