Awaken the Dead is the foulest thing ever to be shat out of a diseased rodent and passed off as a movie. It's also completely unrelated to this post.

I write too much, To the point that I wonder if I don't have a compulsion to write random shit down.

For example, this blog has around 190 posts on it, with my movie blog having exactly 6, and my private blog (previously used to log my gardening untill I realized I could use a purpose-designed, automatically-backing up program and stop having to use all sorts of codes) has about 20 more posts. I also have a blog that apparently contains nothing except a brief bit of text on how to uninstall fallout 3, which I must have made while drunk. On top of that, I have two Moleskines filled up from the last year and a bit alone, one from the year before that, and about 20-odd notebooks of various sizes from when I was a kid and had yet to discover blogging (age 14-18 or so). On top of THAT, I have a 256 MB stick nearly filled with other 14-18 writings, one finished book of various Henry Rollins-type rants that I'm saving until I need some fire starting paper, a half finished one of some really bad, random-ass stories, another several dozen megs of writing on my laptop, and an 11MB folder of it on Lisa's computer. I also have a good stack of "loose paper" jammed into my filing cabinet next to the aformentioned shitty books, many, many horrifically ironic homemade posters with too much writing on them, two sketch books that are really mostly an exercise in scribbled insanity, and an hour long video-will which is actually just written text set to music. There' also a website out there someplace from when I was really young, numerous UD wiki pages, several ill-advised articles on bomb-making on the now defunct TOTSE.com (which is for the best, even if it was a kickass site, given that I had no idea how to build a "safe" bomb back then, and infact nearly blew one of my teeth out (or at least chipped a good chunk out of it) trying to get flash powder out of a cap), and Goddess knows what else that I'm forgetting.

I think it's mostly because I really rarely talk to anyone. This is really a choice thing more than anything - most of the things many other people say annoy the fuck out of me, or are just plain stupid (which is what you get for hanging out with other dropouts and ill-fitting kids), and accordingly, I usually end up talking just to get them to shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, I usually have nothing really relevant to say, despite apparently being the most knowledgeable person Lisa knows :P, so I end up being nearly as annoying. In order to avoid this, I simply don't talk to people untill I've established we'll have something decent to talk about.

I also think it's because I've recently been spending upwards of 6 hours a day sitting in my bathtub, something I did alot as a kid. The bathtub is a great place to think about ultimately irrelevant bullshit, and because I tend to enjoy re-reading such bullshit at later dates to see if I still agree with it, I write alot of that down.

On top of all that, I see life as a story, and I'm usually the main fucking character of my story and seem to occasionally be the main character of other people's stories too. For some reason, it's kind of fun to waste time thinking about how other people see the world and so forth, and part of the constant writing is incase I happen to stumble opon someone else who shares this outlook. I can simply say "Here is exactly how I see it and how my story goes" as I dump a shitload of papers on them.

Of course, when I was slightly younger and spent most of my time drinking untill I forgot I existed, I wrote because I would otherwise start hearing Shane McGowan muttering shit in the back of my mind. I'm just kidding - it was a pretty generic Irish-y voice, and I only thought of it as Shane McGowan because one of my favorite fictional characters of all time is based on him (and really, having a fictional character in your head is SOOOOOOO much crazier than having the lead singer of the Pogues show up when you're half a mickey in). I understand why it was there - I associated with Shane, and even more so with the literal and metaphorical vampire base on him (you can guess who I mean from there, I think). Writing was better than having these internal conversations because... well, honestly, it really isn't. If I still enjoyed drinking and could do so without wanting to die of sickness, the little mick bastard would still be popping up in my thoughts, telling me "Yeh know yer better for her, and yeh can have at least one more bottle a wine before yeh go to bed" or whatever the fuck the topic was at the time. I should make it clear that this wasn't hearing voices - rather, I tend to think in the second person ("You have to go to work today, so get your lazy ass up"), and for a while that second person thinking sounded like an incredibly self-destructive irishman. This is also why I pretty regularly refer to myself as "we".

In looking through my past posts while writing this shit, I've decided this is my favorite line thus far, and sort of helps illustrate where I was at when I started the blog:

"I feel like shit today. I think it's safe to assume that it's because I haven't eaten anything for a few days except shrooms and a pepperoni stick. Oh well."

A close second was this:

"If your biggest problem is seriously your inability to find anything to drink, and you're that broken up about it, maybe you should just go kill yourself. I'm not really even kidding. You're a shit friend, and I don't really care about anything wrong in your life, and if you've got a drinking problem to top that off, then I don't see why you can't just figure out that I want nothing to do with you. Besides that, hitting on me now, after all these years, is not something I see as tempting. It's selfish, because you really did get your shot and were a total dick about it all, and it's pathetic, and not in the same, somewhat nice way my girl falling in love with me for no reason is. I'll still be nice, because it's the polite thing to do, but you DO know this is how I feel about it."

because I'm still "friends" with that bitch, and still more or less feel the same way about things. It should be noted the other chick was so into me because she was pregnant with someone else's kid. Never, ever sleep with a girl till you've been dating three weeks - it literally saved me from being stuck with Sam's half-sister (not the young one, you fucking perv, through her Dad's side).

I also think I wrote much better back then, at least for a brief period, in part because of my absurd amounts of drug abuse (though I rarely smoked weed then.. hmm...), borderline alcoholism, and burning hatred for everything.

Ironically, despite my nerdy writing obsession, I never did end up writing that fucking Forrester essay.