Catatonic Non-Sense

I was gonna write something totally different, but I got about halfway done and became crushingly depressed. I don't see a need to make anyone reading this have that sort of fun too.

So, since she's written about me twice, I'll write about Lindsay instead! Yay!


I like Lindsay cause she's the only person I really believe likes me.


Since I'm still in a pissy bitter mood, and feeling pretty arrogant, I'll point out that I think that's not so much because I suck, but because the majority of you are ridiculously fucking stupid, and I don't really like to get myself into situations where any of you get a chance to talk to me anyway.


Since I'm feeling better now that I've got to say the words "ridiculously fucking stupid", I think I'll keep writing (I was just kidding by the way. I love you all. Except maybe the fucking Catholics. And probably you, since I don't know you and you're fucking weird).

You know what else is ridiculously fucking stupid? Static-X's music videos.



I like the music in certain moods, but that killed about a million braincells to watch.

The video starts with a shot of the band's anarchist crackshack hidaway (plainly an anarchist hideaway, as evidenced by "THEY FEED US LIES" being spraypainted right next to the front door. Plainly a crachshack, as evidenced by the fact that although they apparently have electricity for the instruments, they have to eat lies to survive, and don't have windows or doors or any of those other luxuries.) The music starts with the bassist looking nervously out the window for the cops, and the guitarist playing his guitar like a giant cock while looking like he's giving it to Lauren Graham without a condom.

THEN! In comes the Tomb Raider, and we focus on her walking into.. a disco? Apparently the band opted to buy dozens of disco balls instead of a front door. I've done enough drugs to understand this. She proceeds to write on the wall dramatically, then turns away. She walks to a variety of smashy things mounted on the wall, establishing herself as the girl of my dreams, selects a bat, then knocks a hole in the wall with.. an axe. I rewound the tape to try and make sense of it, and I realized that she must have been pissed off by her inability to write in a straight line.

All throughout this, there are cuts of the band in the crackshack, jumping around and trying as hard as they can to look like they're actually playing something and not just strumming the same three chords over and over again. I've seen live videos of them, and this is pretty much what they look like in real life too.

The next 30 seconds or so is nothing but some Lizzy Borden-type axe things, and the band playing. While I applaud her use of safety glasses, I wonder if using a grinder in a room lit only by discoballs while wearing a BDSM outfit is really a great plan. If you pause at any point while the lead singer is onscreen, you'll note that you can see his brain through his nose, and that he sings with his eyes closed because his voice makes him cringe too. Around 1:13, the bass player goes into this surely badass sort of jumping around playing style, which makes you think he's really hardcore and cool until you realize that he's just high on crack and his guitar isn't even plugged in, and that he's really just the bitch of the band, since they make him stand in a different room and everything.

If you've been paying close attention, you might notice that the chick has finished knocking down two of the four walls by about the two minute mark, and has decided that smashing everything else she owns would be more fun than collapsing the house on herself. If you haven't been watching at all, then you're probably smarter than I gave you credit for, but why the fuck are you still reading this drivel?

Anyway, this is the only part of the video that actually makes alot of sense to me. Since they've spent all their money on crack, disco balls, and copies of The Communist Manifesto, and can't afford food anyway, she starts by smashing the oven. Then she moves on to the plates, offering a prime example of why girls shouldn't be trusted to destroy things at 1:43. Not only is she breaking the only actual window the the house (which is borded up for some reason, likely because the sun causes her pasty goth skin to melt off or something), she totally fails at breaking a shitty, made-in-china plate in the process. I own plates like that. They break if you look at them mean and threaten to etch an acorn into them.

We then resume the breaking of random shit, like a computer montior that happens to be sitting on her floor (maybe she thought it was a lavalamp when she bought it), an end table (while trying to hit the bottle on top of it), and the only door to the place, which has "THIS IS MY HOUSE" sprayed on it, apparently incase she or the band happen to forget where they live. I'm sure if you looked at these things symbolically, you could get some form of intelligent, deep meaning, but that's for fucking hippies and people who actually give a shit.

Now, cut to the scene that bothers me the most.

See, the song is called "Stingwray", and is about the lead singer's wife's Corvette Stingray (her last name is Wray). In the next bit, our hero and his psycho destructive woman are getting busy while driving what appears to be NOT A FUCKING STINGRAY. Besides the annoying fact that psycho woman appears to give incredibly dull handjobs (she definately lost my affections at this point), that just strikes me as incredibly,incredibly stupid. All this video critisim aside, I know for a fact that the singer OWNS a Stingray, and I can see no reason at all why he'd use a Z28 for the video instead.

The next few parts are the bass player trying to knock the house down by kicking it (which might work), and the singer driving around looking as stoned as John Travolta in Pulp Fiction while his girlfriend throws herself at him. At two minutes and fifty seconds in, the band finally gives up any semblance of trying to play their instruments and begin a variety of fistpumps instead.

At 3:13, BlackMetal Nordic Bassman decides to play hide and seek, and about that time, Psycho Woman begins pummeling the shit out of the discoballs. Combined with the lame handjob and the singer's need to fuck his Flying V guitar at the start, my settled opinion is that this whole video is just a metaphor for blue balls. Infact, the next minute has nothing in it besides ball stomping, smashing, and in the case of the band, sucking. The video ends with the singer looking like he just came hardcore in his pants.

Well, I'm bored of this now. I was just about to get to the punchline, but frankly, I'm suprised anyone bothered to read all that shit anyway, so I'll save it until next time.