It's raining pretty good out there. Big heavy drops.

I sat out on the front steps for a while and watched it. It's a nice night and I'm a sucker for things that make the town seem kinda pretty.

Does make me wish I'd opted for a balcony though. Or at least had the foresight to get a place that isn't right next to the frighteningly loud drainpipe. Ah well.

My online dating actually turned up a decent result today, which was sort of neat, but then I remembered that I really, really suck at relating to other people or any kind of small talk. Still, she seemed smart and clever and very nice, and is my kind of pretty, so it was kind of an instant, quick little crush and that felt pretty good. I don't think that one will go anywhere, but still encouraging to meet someone who seems to want the same things out of life as I do.

I don't really know what I expect out of a relationship though. Someone to co-exist with would probably be good enough. I think anything else is almost a little too idealized, ya know?

I guess in a perfect world. You know that way you felt about someone as a kid or in highschool or whenever that first whazzam moment kinda found you? Something like that. But leave it at the whazzam and forget about everyone proceeding to act like a bunch of kids or highschoolers or whatever. That kinda feeling. I don't know that I'm too worried about the rest of the details - I know how I'd like them to look, but it's honestly kinda secondary.

I don't know. I might just give up on that should this one fall through and revist it when I'm an old man and everyone is on the same page about things. Who knows.

In the meantime, I kinda gave up my plan of exercising and finding a hobby and stuff. I did complete (mostly) my get the fuck out of all this debt plan, so that's good. But I don't know. The only reason I can think of to really want or need interests is to find other people with the same interests. I'm not sure I care about that much anymore, because I don't know if I've ever actually met one of these other people and likely will not in the immediate area. I know a lot of people who fake interests just to have a social group, but I just don't know if that's quite for me at the moment.

So instead, I'm doing some fun and interesting experiments with myself.

Today marks my second week of not eating. Well, it's just about 1 AM and I plan to eat tomorrow, so it's more marking the first day I'm gonna eat after two weeks of not eating. After the third day, I just stopped being hungry. Obviously, starving yourself to death is pretty fucking dangerous, but it was interesting to see how long I could run with it before I gave in. I'm now pretty sure I could go the full three weeks and presumably die, but I'm not all that curious.

I should back it up. I didn't really just spontaneously decide not to eat. I also decided, quite foolishly, to take last Tuesday off so I could try some nutmeg out starting Monday evening. In case you didn't know, if you consume enough nutmeg, you trip fucking BALLS. It's supposed to last a day or two, but it turns out if you consume more than enough, you'll trip for a little over a week, and it is both somewhat debilitating and totally fucking awful. You'd come totally down and feel normal, then out of the blue, you'd light a smoke or turn a page or whatever - I found noise was a big thing for me - and then you'd just be fucking blitzed.

So needless to say, I really didn't wanna cook or go anywhere to get food. For a few days I'm fairly sure I didn't actually even leave my room. Then I just ran with it.

Both were an experience.

I've had wicked insomnia for the last couple months too. I'm pretty sure it's got to be tied to the divorice, but I'm not sure how. I don't feel stressed and literally giggle with happiness when I snuggle up in my bed to try to sleep pretty much every night (fuck off, I really like my bed), but for whatever reason it just doesn't happen. I'm averaging about two hours a day, which, it turns out, is survivable, though I look like shit. After a while of that, I don't really feel tired anymore either. Might be that I don't remember what not tired feels like.

I get this sounds horribly self destructive, but would point out two things:

1. I actually feel pretty neat. I found out I can totally exist for at least limited amounts of time with no sleep or food. I can't really put it all down to willpower, but it's kinda cool to know that the limit to what I'm capable of taking in that sense is pretty high for the most part. I also got to try a drug I've been wanting to try for like years (would you believe I haven't had a week or even a few days completely alone in over a decade?), and while it sucked, I still got to try it and have a bit of fun with it.

2. The last time I was in a really shitty place, and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, it didn't turn out good. Seriously, I did the "smart, responsible thing", cleaned myself up, started being kinda normal, less of a dick, tried to make amends where I could, etc. etc., and you know what happened? I got married! To an obviously unstable person!

It's hard to explain, but if I'm not involved in something that's at least a little fucked up, the universe eventually seems to notice that something isn't right, and instigates some bizarre turn of events to fix itself. Usually it overcompensates a bit. So I'd rather maintain that balance myself, ideally in a way that doesn't really affect anyone besides myself. Starving myself because why not is one of those kinds of things that's a just fucked up enough way to kill time to keep the great karmic voodoo balance in order while not actually risking some disaster I'm completely unprepared for.

Anyway, I have also come up with something resembling a long term plan. At the end of the month, my kiddo moves. I don't really have any friends here anymore, and there's nothing really tying me down. I'm lazy and frankly not particularly confident in this plan turning out anything at all like I'm picturing it, but should things be pretty much the same as they are now in a year, when my lease is up, then I think I'll give it a go.

Perhaps some more details closer to the time.

I am lonely.

Beyond working hours, I exist in this sort of magical, special bubble of solitude, where my actions influence nothing and I am separate from the rest of humanity as a whole. To an objective, outside observer, from about 6 PM to about 9 AM, I simply cease to exist.

I truely think that if I were to just dissapear during this time, no one would really notice. My parents would eventually, but would assume I'm fine and just doing my thing. Eve and Lisa would, though I'm not sure Eve is really capable of understanding the nature of our relationship and it would be more a thing of note for Lisa than a noteworthy thing. Work would, obviously. I'm fairly sure they are the only ones who would really be concerned, at least until they figured out I don't actually do anything there and how all the automated stuff works.

I don't know how to fix this. I'm too old and weird for the bars. I'm too young to associate with people by dint of being a dying generation. How do you meet real people?

I'm giving up on finding more intimate companionship. I have no idea what I want - really, all I can do is pin down what I don't want. It's not a good way to design a criteria. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that any kind of successful interaction there is pretty much impossible. I don't even know who I am anymore. I mean. I can establish some things based on observation - I'm a blobbish thing that clicks buttons nine hours a day, and I'm pretty unambitious. But I don't know. What are my interests? Hobbies?

Bah. Fuck. Bah. I quit.