Dear Lisa:

No desire to talk about it with you. At all. From experience, it doesn't make any difference anyway, besides us fighting untill I get pissed off enough to just do something about it myself. I thought the following had been stated clearly earlier, but I guess not, so:

IF WHAT IS ON HERE BOTHERS YOU, DON'T READ IT. This is not open to discussion. This is my private area, mostly to keep in contact with someone I never get a chance to actually speak to, and to be able to rant to myself in a judgement free setting. It is not designed to expose any issue I'm having and open it up to conversation. If I REALLY wanted to talk to you about whatever you do in a day, I would come and ask you. As it is, Im trying to be trusting. If its annoying that you used to act like everyone's girlfriend all the time, and that its carried over into your time with me, then just let me vent about it. I am trying to be trusting, and "some guy who's seen her naked hitting on her" can very easily turn into "she's probably cybering him on Skype when I'm working" in my mind if it's brought up enough. This is what's happened with VIRTUALLY EVERY GUY you know.

Not to mention, you have a track record with that second only to Sam (don't worry, it's a wide margin, and I had smartened up for a while after the two of you). Sure, everything I know about was years ago, but notice the words "record and "know about". There's plenty of pictures of you grinding up on people while we were dating out there, at least one of them ADMITTEDLY taken just to piss me off.

Back on track. See, you either decide to tell me in detail about fucking them, or something similar, then still expect I'll be thrilled with the amount of time you spend talking to them, or hanging out, etc., when I'm not around. Honestly, I do love you, but I have some trouble wanting to be around you some times, and this is a prime, prime example of why. Maybe it's just my problem, sure, but I tend to feel like this at least once a week, usually for reasons along these lines. I frankly think you should be back in Ontario, with someone more like yourself than like me (incase you haven't noticed, sometimes the only thing we really have in common is the bed we sleep in), but that's just my opinion, and you're welcome to ignore it (though I know you won't. You'll read this while I'm at work, get mad, cry a little bit, maybe be pissy when I get home, and then just try to ignore it until it gets said again). I don't plan to leave you, I just don't really see how we can exist like this for the rest of our lives.

It's not that you're a shitty girlfriend. Usually, you're great, pretty much the best anyone could want. It's that you WERE a shitty girlfriend, more or less the definition of "kind of slutty" by my personal estimate (which I feel most of the people I know would agree with, given the same level of information I as I have, but no one you know probably would in similar circumstances), and someone I likely wouldn't have dated again had I know all this beforehand (no regrets). I personally am not a good enough person (if that's your scale, anyway) to get past this right now in my life, and that it keeps coming up doesn't help anything. For the most part, excepting the stuff mentioned above (and some not really mentioned), it's me, not you. You just dont seem to get that it will take a while of it ALL being just me before I have absolutely no issues with it.

So yeah. Don't fucking talk about my blog. Repetition does not cause anything nice to happen. Read it and deal, or don't read it, because I can happily be much more of a dick if you keep bringing things up. If it's worth talking about to me, I will say something about it. I guess this post can MAYBE be an exception (i.e. when you come crying about it, and we argue, I will not make any sort of effort to "punish" you by writing another huge rant, then asking you never bring it up. That seems a little unfair), as it's long, indepth, and not really as vague as I try to be when complaining. Beyond that, the more I hear about it, the more I will probably want to rant about things, the more likely I am to write more things that I dont really ever want to talk about.


P.S. If you're wondering why I can say all this, knowing it's personal and someone outside of us can and will read it, keep in mind two things:

1. I'm holding back, and I think you know it too. This is relatively polite, doesn't state HALF the shit that comes to mind, and I tried to reassure you that I do love you and it's not all your fault at the end. It's also after several revisions, which I won't likely have the courtesy to do again, if I ever get another rant like this going.

2. I've NEVER, EVER heard you say anything remotely positive about me to anyone, except maybe Emma. Not saying you don't, just saying that about %90 of the things you say about me aren't that good.

Plus, it's just Lindsay, who probably knows me well enough to know that this is my general dating experience, what sort of people I date, and to understand my outlook on it all. And besides, even if she wanted to tell someone about it, who would care? People on the west coast have better things to talk about than me (or you and me).


Anyway, there was something more I wanted to talk about that I REALLY FUCKING HATE, but I got to revising, and can't think about it now.