This blog is for Lindsay because she's sad over a wang doing wang stuff. I wrote it while really drunk, and drunk stories always make me feel better. So feel better, now that Sam's my buddy again we need to get smashed, and a manically hyper Lindsay is better than a sad one.
I also wrote this from across the room. So fuck spellings.
You scurry home after a nice late meal, full and fat. You make the long distance quickly and with ease, possessing an almost unnatural and earily beautiful agility, hurling along with a stamina given to few. You're nearly home to your warm, dark little abode, when the ground begins to tremble and shake with an almost divine fury. You look up towards the painful light-sky and see massive shapesfar above yu. A thuderous sound comes from above, as a terrifying shadow falls over you. You move supernaturally fast across the landscape, seeking shelter. Left, right. Anything you hide behind, anything you cover yourself with is ripped away, as the world seems to fly apart around you. Suddenly, you sense something hurtling down towards you. You let out a silent chittering scream and try futily to escape as the Book of Revelations smashes through your head. Your body explodes with a satisfying pop as you are reduced to a twitchy pulp by the Big Red Bible O'Death I just dropped on your furry ass.
"AND YOU SHALL KNOW MY NAME I THE LORD, WHEN I CAST DOWN MY VENGEANCE OPON YOU!" I say, as I clean the nasty spider guts off my bible. I feel quite righteous and Godlike, and I know I'm totally going to blog about this.
So, see, it could, uh, always be worse? You could be a creepy fucking bug with eight legs and body hair? I don't know, killing spiders sure cheers me up!
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I still think this is the fucking best post on this shitty blog.
ReplyDeleteFor someone who many psychologists have called an "empath", I sure suck at cheering people up.
You did well with cheering me up with this. One of my favorite posts
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