Well, deleting facebook means I can't reread what I said last night. Dunno that you read this anymore, but hey, saying it makes me feel better.

Don't take facebook being gone personally. I've spent like a month having this same conversation over and over with people, and it's just frankly not worth it anymore. People would rather someone just disappear than try to explain why it seems. If FB is gone, I don't need to worry, because I don't really come in contact with those folks anymore. This was the original plan, and for what it's worth I put it off because I wanted to at least get a chance to see you before everything changes and spend some time hanging out. It is a temporary gone-ness that will automatically revert in a given number of days, but I'm not going to touch it until them.

Anyway, none of this is your fault or your problem. This is an issue I am trying to work through. Be mad, but don't feel bad about anything. My life is a mess because I made it that way, and because things are going on right now that I don't know how to deal with properly.

I'd like to be friends again in the future, once I'm better at being a friend. Right now, I don't know how to do that quite right. To be honest, I'm not even attracted to you anymore and haven't been for a long time - I used that word for lack of a better one. You're plenty attractive, but as I said the other night, it's just too easy to be like that with you, and I simply don't know how else to act around people like that. I like to win too, and while a good part of me realizes that that isn't winning anymore, a bigger part of me doesn't. And correct me if I'm wrong, but based on what I know of you, you like having someone attracted to you too. While there isn't anything wrong with that, I don't think it's really healthy for either of us to have me trying to fill that need for you anymore than it would be for you to try to fill it for me.

I know logically we can be good friends without all that other shit. You did good last night in showing that once you sobered up a little. I know I seemed pissed, but I appreciate that and it actually made me pretty happy. I just need to convince myself emotionally that this is the case. I worry that without us being the same old same old, we won't have fun. Which, like I say, I logically know isn't true. Logic does not always matter as much as irrational fears though.

I also need to be sure that I like the person I'm becoming before showing that person to someone like you, who I really respect and who's friendship I really want. I think I will - I am actually a pretty awesome guy most of the time these days, and I'm a pretty unique person, for better or worse - but hey, irrational fears.

It would be easier for me to probably just say fuckit, bye dude, because that's always worked well, but I can't throw away someone who has always tried to be right by me that easily. Once my shit is sorted, I'll look you up, and if you're still interested, we can go back to being buds and watching goofy movies and all that fun stuff. If not, hey, no hard feelings. The best part about being a bit of a wreck is that I don't really take things too hard anymore.

Since I probably won't see you again before you leave, I hope you have fun in your travels.

Anywho, think that's about all I have to say about that, and I think you're probably tired of hearing about it. Sorry dude, I'll make it up to you sometime.